Eh?

We've tried to understand the headline on the non-story on Newton's coverage of Kylie's birthday:

Kylie's 39 with her No1 Dannii

The best we can imagine is that "Dannii" is meant to sound like "fan" and "39" is meant to sound like "fine", and that all of the paper's subeditors have basically given up.

Still, it was nice of Victoria to think of Kylie:

The Sun came out for the Aussie beauty as we delivered a birthday cake, complete with candles, to her plush flat in Chelsea, West London.

How sweet. And not, we're sure, a pathetic attempt to try and get Minogue to come to the front door long enough for a long-lens shot or anything.

Only one thing was missing on her big day — a man.

Oh, for god's sake, Newton, she only broke up with Olivier Martinez three months ago; perhaps she was quite happy having a birthday without some clod-hopping bloke hanging about. Are you really suggesting that a person not in a relationship is, by definition, somehow missing something?