Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Kylie Minogue now, apparently, a five foot ten black guy with a beard

Hold the front page - possibly of every newspaper in the world. Victoria Newton has the scoop of the century:

KYLIE MINOGUE arrived in London from New York yesterday looking just like Eighties icon MR T.

Bloody hell - that must be steroid side effects, then? So, she's grown about six inches, changed sex, got a new skin colour, grown a beard...

Oh, hang on:
Wearing a gold choker and matching bracelets, she could have been starring in The A-Team.

So... "looking like Mr T" means "wearing a little bit of jewellery", then? Is this just a set up for some lame gags, Victoria?

Yes, yes it is:
Maybe this was her way of telling ex OLIVIER MARTINEZ: “I pity the fool”.

I just love it when a plan comes together.

Eh? What plan, Victoria? The famous wait-until-Kylie-buys-a-plane-ticket plan? And-then-write-about-it scheme?

And if she was like Mr T, she wouldn't have got in no plane, would she, Victoria?

Still, at least Victoria worked the Hannibal theme, by dressing up as seamonster for her byline picture.


Anonymous said...

Oh god. Reading that actually made me want to go and have a little cry somewhere...

Does Newton realise that the stuff she types is actually going out in a national newspaper? Is someone playing a sick joke on her, in which she's actually a 14 year-old writing a pretend gossip column which she thinks is private? I suspect one day she's going to stumble across a copy of the Sun for the first time, see her own embarrassing words in print and suddenly get that horrible rush you feel when you realise people have been watching you sing to yourself for the last ten minutes, only multiplied by a squillion.

Anonymous said...

Dear lord the blessed female looks more and more like Andy Warhol by the day.I absolutely loath her, everything about her.her non looks her face that looks as if it would leak if hit .The perpetual grin like a damn moron.The posing.The daily catwalk down her drive for the paps she calls in to follow her.And worst of all the way she believes all the hype about herself as written in the gutter press that in Sun (or Daily Mail for pensioners ) What a pain the butt she is.

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