Cheeky Girls: "We're Circus Freaks"

The most puzzling aspect of the Cheeky Girls' tearful "unnecessary surgery left us with odd breasts" revelations in the News of the World today is that both of them had surgery with the same surgeon - presumably, at the same time, because otherwise that would make even less sense. Unless you adopt the "that doctor can't botch a breast-job twice in a row" approach to choosing what invasive surgery you have done.

For the record, then:

Gabriela Irimia, 24, who has been dating flamboyant [Lembit] Opik for seven months, is left with LOPSIDED breasts and both nipples in the wrong place.

And tearful sis Monica has bosoms that feel like ROCKS with nipples pointing east and west.

Speaking for the first time of their secret agony Gabriela confessed: "It's been our worst nightmare. We feel like circus freaks. We're deformed and it's been awful to live with."

We're not quite sure how you can be so deformed you look like a "circus freak" and, simultaneously, for the deformity to be a secret - we presume Showbiz With Rav Singh is lining up an exclusive interview with the Elephant Man on this basis ("I'm not actually good looking, Rav"); but we do love the news that somehow Monica's nipples always point to cardinal points of the compass. Impractical when shopping at Mark One, perhaps, but really handy if you caught out on the Brecon Beacons.

Still, they do have a plan:

"Moni and I just feel we can't go on like this any more so our doctor father is going to sort this mess out for us in Romania."

Yes. If Harley Street has screwed you up, why not see if a mate of your father's can sort it out in a country not exactly famed for its medical services. What could possibly go wrong there?