Friday, November 30, 2007

Gordon Smart gurgles again

Perhaps Rebekah Wade hasn't had a chance to see what Gordon Smart is doing at Bizarre at the moment. As someone commented yesterday, under Newton it was hardly Newsnight, but at least there was some attempt to pretend there was something more to it than going "here's a person in a bikini and it's making me feel a bit wibbly in my fireman".

This morning, Gordon is bringing us Rod Stewart's daughter in a bra ad:

Ruby shows off her boobies

I’d love to be a fly on the wall during a row at the Stewart residence.

I reckon there’d be Bristols at dawn.

Well, at least he's moved on from bangers, but we're not quite sure how he thinks his pun works - does he imagine that the women who share Rod Stewart's house fight duels with their breasts? What does he mean?

Then, it's on to Rhianna, at the Bambi awards. Gordon can't find the space to say who awards the Bambis, or what they're for, or who won anything. But there's lots of room to talk about tits:
Rihanna's bust great at Bambis

RIHANNA's never one to keep her bangers undercover and what better place than to give them an airing than at a red carpet event?

The really sad thing is, the accompanying picture shows that the dress she was wearing wasn't even that revealing.

Gordon, though, also hints that he'd not mind losing his virginity to an older woman, either:
To top it off veteran actress SOPHIA LOREN made an appearance and showed she's still got what it takes to mix it up with the young wrigglers.

The young wrigglers? Do you suppose the only reason nobody with any responsibility at the Sun has taken him to one side and had a word is they imagine Gordon is using street talk?


7 comments:

karlt said...

Gordon strikes me as being the sort of person who rubs himself up against female commuters on the tube during rush hour.

By the way, the phrase 'wibbly in my fireman' has made me spit Ribena over my keyboard.

James said...

Indeed, Gordon's shaping to be quite a strange little man. I'd love to see his mobile phone, I bet it's heaving with surreptitious shots of women's legs on the tube (or whatever 'legs' are called in Smartese).

PS 'Rod Stewart's Daughter' reminded me of that advert on Living TV for their show 'Living With Kimberley Stewart'. It was hilarious. The voice-over opened with "Rod Stewart's daughter is feisty, famous..."

Yes, in fact she's so famous, she has to be referred to as 'Rod Stewart's Daughter' in a trailer for her own programme :(

Anonymous said...

Jolly good show Gordon. I was worried a gaping comedy void (ooh-er) would open up after Vicky's departure, But they seem to have managed to find someone with even MORE prurient interest in ZZZ-lister tits and arse and even LESS interest in getting their facts right. May I refer you to http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/
showbiz/bizarre/article509267.ece
for an example. (NB that's patently Orlaith from BB, not Aisleyne.)

Can somebody please launch Gordywatch?

Random R&B Bitch On The Hook said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

erm...not that i watch big brother...but that is deffo aisleyne!

my 'fireman' would recognise those, urgh, 'bangers' anywhere.

Anonymous said...

Eurrghh...Smart's actually taking the fun out of ogling good-looking women. And if that isn't criminal, I don't know what is.

Also, is 'fireman' actual British slang for one's cock, or is that just Smart? Over here, the only person who uses that euphemism is South Park's Eric Cartman.

"Yes, the fireman is very magical. If you rub his helmet, he spits in your eye."

Anonymous said...

It's astonishing how bad the Bizarre column's got since GS took over. I was never a fan of VN, but this is ridiculous. Comparing Eva Longoria's breasts to Wagon Wheels? Describing scantily-clad actress Teresa Palmer as a 'trouser troubler'. It's the kind of stuff you'd expect from Loaded or Nuts. At least VN didn't bore me with random music 'stars' and football/sports stuff. It's all catered for the lads. Does he honestly think the middle-aged men who read the Sun are into celebrity gossip? Surely celeb gossip is mainly the domain of women and gay men? Someone needs to tell this dull, illiterate mysoginist excuse for a - cough - journalist he's destroying what was once one of the best showbiz pages on the planet. My flamin' toe jam could do a better job! C'mon Murdoch - sort it out.

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