Cheryl Cole: Everything's fine

The joy which The Sun and the News of the World take in trashing each other's stories makes our takedowns on Ran and Gordon look like kind words in a friend's ear.

Today, after a week of Sun stories claiming that Ashley Cole had been double-dipping, and that Chezza had flown into one of her trademark rages and thrown him out, the News gives space to Cheryl to deny the whole thing:

And we can reveal Cheryl is CONVINCED her husband never had sex with 22-year-old Aimee Walton, BELIEVES his story and is still DETERMINED they can make their marriage work.

All very convincing. Although, at the same time:

DEVASTATED Cheryl Cole has pledged to stand by disgraced husband Ashley and honour every word of her solemn wedding vows — despite his drunken night of shame with a blonde.

So... she doesn't believe that Ashley did anything, but he's still disgraced and she's still devastated?

Cheryl uses her platform to use mild humiliation on her husband:

The single mum from Morden, south London, added that later she had sex with him before and after he "vomited on the floor, all over the cream carpet". But staunchly loyal wife Cheryl insisted yesterday: "That's utter rubbish, I know that for a FACT. I know Ashley intimately. When he's under the influence he ISN'T capable."

The implication of that - of many nights of Cheryl, in some sort of Ethel Austin nighty, sighing with disappointment after Ashley returns home stinking of cherry brandy and mumbling about how he's very sorry - is clearly part of Cole's punishment programme.

Cheryl also has a pop at Aimee Walton, the tell-all who may or may not have had sex with a puke-covered footballer:

Speaking from a secret location yesterday, with 27-year-old Ashley at her side and wedding ring still on her finger, she said: "I'm astonished that girl says she felt sorry for me.

"If she felt so sorry why did she run to the papers to try and ruin my marriage?

"I hope she's happy with her first designer handbag that she can buy with her dirty money."

While there's something pleasing about using a jibe about a handbag for handbags at dawn, the suggestion that Walton can't be trusted because hitherto she's bought her handbags down the market suggests that Cheryl's worldview has become irredeemably skewed.

We wonder if The Sun is busily taking notes as Walton prepares a riposte to this lot. Oh, let's hope not.