Gordon in the morning: The real world intrudes

The heartbreaking story from Lily Allen makes for a sober Bizarre this morning, with Gordon delivering a piece of almost straight reporting - although the gleeful "Exclusive" label slapped over the piece and the mawkish online condolence book feel a bit misjudged, and there's much stating of the obvious. "Distraught"? Really? You don't say.

Then, with a crunch of the gears, it's back to business as normal, as Gordon claims that you'll find Kylie Minogue wanking to online porn:

IT’S usually blokes who are caught checking out girls on t’internet – mouse firmly in the left hand.

But I’m delighted to discover KYLIE MINOGUE is also a fan of clicking out the opposite sex.

Really? Erm, not quite:

The singer, who is back in the dating saddle, has admitted using web search engine Google to find out if celebrity men she fancies are single.

That's "web search engine Google", in case you're not familiar with it. (Surely it should be "t'web?")

So it's not like she's tapping in her credit card details, then? No, it's a different sort of online fantasy Gordon's asking us to share:

Sister DANNII has been known to do the same. When Kylie was asked if she also indulges, she blurted out: “I can’t lie. I did it with a friend and she would out me. I can’t tell you who, though.”

Gordon Smart, maybe? If only.

Well, if she did, she'd find your MySpace and discover you're married, wouldn't she Gordon? So it wouldn't do you much good at all.

Having established by, erm, reading that on the internet, Gordon still has some research to do ("words to write") and so he decides to dredge up a joke from an edition of Never Mind The Buzzcocks from two weeks ago and hammer that one some more:

But the pint-sized pop stunner then admitted on Aussie radio that she has been investigating one famous face - and my money is on Brit TV star MATHEW HORNE who she met when they filmed The Kylie Show last November.

And yes, Gordon Smart then goes on to Google Mathew, and shares what he's found:

Mathew’s MySpace page came up with the quote: “She’s so hot, she’s making me sexist.”

Erm... and?

An apt description for Ms Minogue, if you ask me.

Um... Gordon, that's a line from a Flight of The Conchords song. You do know that, and that it's not really a justification for writing Neanderthal-level stuff about Jordan's tits, don't you?

Hang on - Gordon's Googling again:

Another site I found was entitled: “Pls tell me Mathew Horne is not gay.” The plot thickens.

Well, no it doesn't, Gordon. There isn't a plot and even if there was, an unsourced website speculating about someone's sexuality doesn't actually mean anything, does it?

Look: Please tell me Gordon Smart isn't going to win a What The Papers Say Award.

You see?

More curiously, if you use the web search engine Google on the phrase '"Pls tell me Mathew Horne is not gay"', the only returning entry right now is... erm, Gordon's page where he claims he found a site titled this by using Google. Funny that, isn't it?

Gordon has run out of pages that mention Mathew on the internet, so then trots out a few paragraphs speculating on the likelihood of a Kylie-McCartney romance, something which exists only in his mind in the first place. He concedes it's not going to happen, but:

Well, I bet Macca was looking back at Kylie and thinking: “No More Lonely Nights.”

Yes. Because Paul McCartney thinks solely in pisspoor puns based on his songs.

Gordon has to come to some sort of conclusion, and he does:

Go get on to Google, lads, and Kylie could be yours for Valentine’s Day next month.

Eh? How? Since Kylie has used Google, once, to check out someone's marital status, how would that work, Gordon? It's not like she's typing in 'single bloke AND Neighbours fetish NOT Jason Donovan', is it? And how does Gordon suggest lads "get on to Google"? Does he think you can send a postcard in and get yourself indexed?