Gordon in the morning: Cheryl Cole again?

There's a shock in store for Gordonwatchers this morning: Cheryl Cole, who should be looking too thin, is actually looking "much happier".

Aware that his column has been inconsistent to the point of insanity on Cole, Smart tries to explain the flip-flopping perspective by suggesting it's been a long time:

Cheryl’s smiles are a big turnaround from the situation just a few weeks ago

And, apparently, last Thursday and Saturday.

As Cheryl prepares to talk to Ashley, and reveal words and feelings known only to her and her heart, Gordon does some wonderful fudging to suggest he knows what's going to happen:

[S]he will dish out her decision before she goes to the Brit Awards tomorrow night — giving him one last chance to beg for forgiveness.

So, he's getting one last chance. Or is he?

I reckon she is about to give him the red card.

No, he isn't.

There's something really nasty about Smart's keeness for the marriage to end terribly - however you feel about the Coles, watching someone stand on the sidelines chanting "divorce, divorce, divorce" like it's a spectator sport is a little unedifying:

I just hope it will be tough Geordie love on C-Day with tomorrow being D-Day — for DIVORCE.

Perhaps Gordon is too busy to read the rest of his paper, but he seems unaware that the editorial line amongst the grown-ups is that family breakdown is one of the signs of endtimes:

This rampant gang culture claiming teenagers’ lives all over Britain is born of bad education policies and family breakdown.

The paper, surely, can't expect families to stick together when one of its writers treats an impending divorce as a lark, can it?

Smart then offers to help Tweedy out:

Chezza, you’re a beautiful, successful woman, send Ashley packing.

I’ve a drawer full of phone numbers from lads around the country offering you a shoulder to cry on ...

Gordon keeps a drawer full of young men's phone numbers? I wonder if he scores them on the back.

Elsewhere, Agent Provocateurs have decided not to use Lily Allen in their advertising:

Lily, 22 — snapped in a corset and stockings with a whip — is said to be “gutted”.

You can see why.