Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Striking long, long after the iron has cooled

Chanelle Hayes. Reach back into your mind, and you might remember her from last year's Big Brother. Now, she's capitalising on that fame (alright, capitalising on that slight flicker of recognition) by launching a career as a pop singer. Or, rather, launching a reality show about her launching a career as a pop singer. She wants us to know that, despite having made money as a Victoria Beckham lookalike, and following Victoria Beckham about, and copying Victoria Beckham's hairstyle, that there's more to her than a Posh wannabe:

"I know that people think I'm talentless, but I've played the violin since I was seven and then I did music at A Level. I want to have a go at it and show people that I'm not just a miserable cow walking around with a pout on my face."

Dismissing claims that she is attempting to copy her idol's music style, she said: "Yeah, we wear similar clothes because I choose to but she sings one way and I sing another. I don't sound like her when I speak and I'm not trying to sound like her when I sing."

Aha. It's similar clothes, as in "I came out and would you believe it, to my surprise Victoria Beckham was wearing the very same dress yesterday".

Still, at least she's not copying Beckham's music - she's not that stupid.
"People love to hate, and if people don't like it - fair enough. I've got a CD with my name on it that I can give to my mum and she'll be dead proud."

Yes. You have a CD with your name on. Money can't buy that. Well, actually, it can, but you know what we mean.

There's more, much more to Chanelle:
"I just want to show that I can pose on the cover of a magazine or newspaper but I can also do academic things as well."

Mmm. Good luck with winning the Regis Chair Of Being On A VH1 Programme At Oxford, Chanelle.


James said...

"I know that people think I'm talentless, but I've played the violin since I was seven and then I did music at A Level."

She's right, people don't realise this. I thoroughly enjoyed the recent one-off special on the lesser-known works of Vivaldi that she wrote and presented for Radio 3.

Here's the thing; She might have Grade 8 Violin, Cello and Kazoo. She might be a qualified neurosurgeon. She might have translated every episode of late-80s Peter Egan gentle-com Joint Account into Esperanto. However, the career path she's chosen does seem to shun those talents in favour of the less-cerebral putting-hands-over-breasts-so-Zoo-magazine-can-legally-call-it-a-topless-photoshoot route to fame. And now, that Music A Level has lead her to lend her voice to an Autotuned off-the-shelf track which was probably pencilled in as a follow-up single for that 'Girls of FHM' act, had their first track not bombed.

I'd be delighted if she actually used the talents she claims to have. Trouble is, just like 80% of today's 'celebrities', she's chosen to forge a career in being interviewed for Heat magazine, in which she talks candidly about her thoughts on what a fellow Big Brother contestant said last week when they were interviewed for Heat magazine. And then making ultra-softcore promo videos for the entertainment of Lynx-drenched Nuts readers who flick over to The Box when their parents have gone to bed.

Break out, Chantelle! Smash that mould! You know you can do better! Show the world that you're talented by actually using those talents! Even if it means recording a 'Violin Songs From The Adverts' album which troubles the lower end of the Classic FM chart for two weeks. Do it! Show us you're better!

Maybe change your name too. I keep confusing you with that dullard who married Preston.

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