Gordon in the morning: Blake, blondes and the new Mr Mills

With the McCartney-Mills divorce having run its course, more or less, the Sun clearly needs a new Heather Mills figure. But where will it find someone married to a celebrity to graft its 'money-grubbing gold-digger' story onto?

Languishing in Pentonville, it appears:

Blake and blonde plot to fleece Amy

The paper reckons that Blake has promised to marry the woman, and the pair have plotted to take Amy down in the divorce. Because, of course, there would have to be a divorce:

Blake has been bragging to pals that Amy, 24, will have to pay him a seven-figure sum to get him off her back.

He is set to demand at least £3million as a divorce settlement, telling his lawyers he wants £250,000 for each month of their year-long marriage — despite being in jail for part of it.

Apparently, this plan came into being after Blake found out - by reading in The Sun, of course, which is the only place that appears to believe its own story - that Amy was "having an affair". Since that story only ran a week ago, you'd have to admire Blake's ability to woo a replacement woman, propose marriage and start to issue demands for a seven-figure divorce settlement.

The paper's story is only nearly totally undermined by it failing to even offer a vague source for the claims - a "friend" offers some commentary, but not even a vague "pal" is credited with the meat and veg of the story. Oh, and for a newspaper which claims to know what the divorce demands will be down to the nearest quid, it's surprising they can't identify the supposed new love of Blake's life beyond her being "a mystery blonde". Funny, that.

Perhaps the story is true - stranger things have happened - but you can't help feeling that the paper is getting confused. It confuses many, many things. The same article suggests:

Amy spent yesterday lounging around with pals in Henley, Oxfordshire. Wearing just a bra and shorts to show off her tattoos and skinny body, she smoked and chatted on her mobile while soaking up the sun.

Was she wearing a bra and shorts "to show off" her body? Or was it because the South of England had temperatures in the 20s yesterday afternoon and it would be cooler to wear less?

The whole deal, by the way, is handled by Richard White, Showbiz reporter. It's unclear why Gordon Smart still even has his name and face on the column since the big stuff is always written by other people.

Gordon's big piece? Lily Allen is writing comedy sketches. No, no, it's not just your toes that are curling.