If we didn't know better, we'd assume that this morning's Bizarre had been knocked out by someone for whom English was a third, or maybe fourth, language, as bad pun piles on top of bad pun.
Sarah Harding in a bikini? Why, she's "tan-tastic" and - because you can see her belly - "tum-thing's up".
Coleen McLoughlin planning to display her wedding dress? That would make her a "troophy wife", then.
Paris Hilton photographed at a masked ball? She's got "no hiding face", then.
Yes, no hiding face. No, we don't know what a hiding face is, nor why putting a mask over it means that it isn't there. Perhaps they've overdosed on Doctor Who.
Talking of which, Billie Piper makes an appearance with an actual - sort of - story; she fears that the topless scenes in Diary Of A Call Girl might have ruined her chances of a Hollywood career:
“And then I started thinking, ‘Oh, my God, what have I done? I’ve ruined my future career.’”
Yes. It's not like you can think of a squillion Hollywood movies where the female lead does naked squirming, is it?
To be honest, Billie, it's going to be less likely that going topless harmed your career. It's more the choice of role - after all, who is going to hire an actor who's played a blogger on-screen?