It's not clear if the Department of Homeland Security has yet devised a scale to reflect the current desperation level in an artist's career, but if so, we're guessing that they're currently trying to find something more red than the deepest crimson for the Madonna and Britney backdrop tour video thingy.
Gordon, of course, laps it all up:
“Britney and Madonna are unwrapped like mummies, to appear together almost naked apart from tiny leather bondage pants and knee-high boots.
“They then dance closely together, pressing their hands and bodies together.
“There will be big rows over whether it is sexy, shocking or both.”
The possibility - that it's neither, and sounds like someone who has not only run out of ideas but has also lost the telephone number of anyone she might have once known who might have a new idea - doesn't seem to have occurred to anyone. Madonna pawing Britney again? Who would get excited by that?
... apart from...
... Gordon, of course.
Meanwhile, Gordon - in common with everyone else in the entire world - runs the photos of Michael Jackson being pushed about in a wheelchair. Smart and US editor Emily Smith continue to reflect the Sun's sensitivity on disability - the page is titled "Michael Jackson is reduced to using a wheelchair." "Reduced to", eh?