For some reason, rather than just putting on the ones that sold the best, Michael Jackson's people are orchestrating some sort of global voting process to decide the tracks that will go on the latest Jackson best of. And for the UK version, they've chosen the nation's most sophisticated electorate: Gordon Smart's readers.
Gordon, of course, is thrilled at this important job he's been given to do by the important people who know Michael Jackson. He's on his best behaviour:
But one name he has been given that is beyond dispute is the King Of Pop... and probably Wacko Jacko.
Controversy has blighted his career but he has, without doubt, produced some of best pop tracks ever recorded.
Ahem. Actually, Quincy Jones produced them, but never mind. Wouldn't you say that Wacko Jacko is probably in less dispute than King of Pop? Isn't Madonna, say, far better positioned to claim the title of Pop Monarch?
Anyway, Gordon's dutifully listed fifty Michael Jackson songs, and explains what's going to happen:
Countries around the world will all have a separate vote to choose their favourites — resulting in each nation having their own unique “best of” CD.
I can already picture Jacko’s mad fans touring the world to snap up all the different version of the album.
Yes, that's right, Gordon. They'll be packing suitcases right now. (Could someone in The Sun office show him eBay and explain the concept of import records to him during the day?)
And yes, he does manage to come up with fifty tracks, even although everyone knows that this process is effectively "if you could add a couple of tracks to Thriller, what would they be?"
Oddly, there's no sign of What More Can I Give, Jacko's 9/11 benefit song, nor, indeed, of his much-trumpeted Katrina benefit which, you know, we can't quite recall the name of now.
There is, however, one potential for a rarity (besides the late-period stuff that nobody liked), as Gordon excitedly announces:
Yes - that Paul McCartney. The one out the Beatles. Not just any old Paul McCartney.
There's a good version why Say Say Say hasn't ever appeared on a Jackson album, we'd suggest - and can we just stress how childish it would be to go to the voting form just to vote for that song. That would be childish.