Friday, July 18, 2008

What Mozzer wants: "if a Mercedes S-500 is not available, then a Lexus, BMW or Jaguar will also be accepted"

Morrissey's rider for his date in Israel has appeared on the Ynet website. It's quite an eye-opener:

לפי הבקשה, מוריסי דורש שיעמידו לרשותו רכב פרטי עם נהג מקצועי שיהיה זמין בכל עת להסעת האמן. הרכב חייב להיות בצבע שחור עם חלונות כהים: אם מרצדס S-500 לא בנמצא, אז לקסוס, BMW או יגואר יתקבלו.

Didn't you always know it?

For those of us whose Hebrew is, at best, rusty, Morrissey Solo has got a translation. Some of the detail is suprising:
Morrissey demands a private car with a professional driver available to drive him at any time. The car must be black with dark windows: if a Mercedes S-500 is not available, then a Lexus, BMW or Jaguar will also be accepted.

Blimey - Morrissey in a Lexus. A black one, mind. Now, we can understand the desire for a driver, and can even see the wish for a certain level of comfort (although a grudging 'a Jaguar will do' is a bit of a stretch). But insisting on the colour? Isn't that going a little far?

The food requests are fairly reasonable - although providing a photo of the brand of butter is a wee bit anal. Talking of which:
A private bathroom only for Morrissey – a must.

Morrissey: You Are Not Kenneth Williams. Share the bloody toilet.

Of course, rumours about the rules on food have circulated for years. Now, we know they're pretty much all true:
All food should be vegetarian. For everyone. Including all crews, stands and attendants inside the venue and in its vicinity. If there is a barbeque spot nearby, the artists' room should be placed so that the wind will not be in their direction. All food should be fresh and healthy and mineral water should be supplied all the time. A balanced diet must be kept and upheld.

Oh, pity the poor soul who is charged with ensuring that, should the wind change, the artists all be moved to the other side of the building from the smell of cooking hamburgers.

It's not clear if this is because the smell of searing flesh is so offensive to Morrissey, or because the odour of hot dogs present a delicious challenge to his principles. We've been veggie for two decades, but oh, the smell of frying bacon still whispers 'surely one pig... wouldn't be so very bad...'
Morrissey does not eat any kind of chili or spices.

All that spicy foreign muck, as my great aunt used to say.
In addition, the food in the venue (whether sold at the stands or brought by the audience) shall be completely vegetarian – meat will not be allowed inside the venue.

Woe betide you if you try to sneak in a Peparami.

Finally, though, it's all about the love:
"Morrissey does not tolerate any sort of violent or aggressive behavior from any crew member, security guard or policeman. Everyone shall be treated equally and with dignity at any time."

Not, though, so much respect that you can share his crapper. There are limits.


14 comments:

ian said...

I'm not entirely sure his Israeli hosts would be prone to sneaking in a peperami or a bacon sarnie, actually.

And stop talking about yourself in the plural!

Anonymous said...

how can someone who has lived in rome for the last decade demand "pasta – only with simple tomato sauce"?!

on another note, i would love to see him get hit by a flying peparami stick from the crowd. what would he do?!

Anonymous said...

and one more thing:

"Products such as glow sticks, large fruits, balls and other items and products that can cause damage if hurled at people or at the stage will not be sold at the venue."

£100 to the person who hits him with a melon!

leah said...

A star asks for use of his own bathroom at a venue. Doesn't he know there's a public convenience just up the road?

Come on. This is one of the most modest riders I've ever seen

simon h b said...

@leah
Really? Either you've only seen riders from hard rock bands or you have a strange definition of modest - a BLACK car? If someone cooks meat down the street the rooms must be rejigged?

And, yes, it's nice to have your own toilet, but come on - is it going to kill him to share a toilet with a guitarist if he has to?

Anonymous said...

People are amusing when it comes to Morrissey. Any little quirk and he's a diva.

For a singer to have their own dressing room and bathroom is absolutely standard.

Have a look at the riders on The Smoking Gun for some real diva demands.

Anonymous said...

For a singer to have their own dressing room and bathroom is absolutely standard.

Ah, the laughably ignorant stated-as-fact comment from a person who apparently believes that the 0.1% of total singers in the world known as "Mainstream Pop" equals 100% of all singers ever. You've probably never been to a gig? I hate to be the one to tell you this but most places where bands play have a grotty changing room where you lump it!

Anonymous said...

Why are you comparing Morrissey playing a gig in a decent venue to a no hoper playing a gig in a grotty venue? It's not really the same is it? People who have made it tend to expect a little more comfort. Do you blame them for that? Or do you think they should carry on roughing it just to be "real"?

simon h b said...

@anonymous 3.45pm
Stipulating the colour of the car that drives you too and from the venue is not "a little quirk" - that's not that different from insisting on having the dressing repainted.

And telling the venue they're supposed to stop the paying public from sneaking a picnic egg or a slice of gala pie in their bags? Or making a big fuss about the possibility of a whiff of someone frying a sausage down the street floating in through the window?

The reason why this is so disheartening is because Morrissey used to mean something - he used to be on our side. Now he won't get in a blue car. Mariah Carey asking for purple-dyed llamas backstage is neither here nor there; it's what you'd expect. With Mozzer these days, sadly, it's what you'd expect, too. That's kind of the point.

It's equally amusing that, whenever anyone suggests that Morrissey might have drifted somewhat from his position as a hero of a generation, there are is a stream of people who will rush online to insist that there's nothing wrong with his behaviour, like indulgent parents.

Jack said...

And moreso with food in the venue. How much of an utter cock do you have to be to insist on what other people eat? One could perhaps vaguely justify insisting on what the crew eat (I wouldn't agree with it, but if it was made clear as a condition of employment...) but making demands about what paying customers eat in a venue?! These are same people who keep putting Quorn on Morrissey's plate.

Laura Brown said...

To be fair, I can understand his request that only vegetarian food be sold in the venue. This is probably more suitable for his fans, anyway, as they likely include a higher proportion of vegetarians than most crowds at gigs (and music venues typically have terrible provision for veggies). But trying to control what food people bring in for themselves, or asking not to be reminded in any way that some people in the world eat meat, is a wee bit fascist.

My husband wants to know if Morrissey specifies that his luxury car not have leather seats.

Jack said...

I accept that Morrissey most likely has a higher proportion of vegetarians as fans, but why on earth does that mean that only vegetarian food should be sold?

You know, what Morrissey eats is of little or no issue to me. But what right does he have to dictate what food I buy at his gigs? What right does he have to dictate what a separate company (because I'd imagine that most food stalls are franchised) sells at a venue that has booked him?

Anonymous said...

Why are you comparing Morrissey playing a gig in a decent venue to a no hoper playing a gig in a grotty venue? It's not really the same is it? People who have made it tend to expect a little more comfort. Do you blame them for that? Or do you think they should carry on roughing it just to be "real"?

What the hell has "roughing it" got to do with anything? It's about putting up with whatever conditions you're put in and not making absurd demands of the people around you. Nobody has any right to demand the ridiculous. I mean the colour of a car & the smell of food!!?!!? Just because you've "made it" doesn't mean you have to act like a dick.

Laura Brown said...

@Jack - I meant that since Morrissey clearly has very strong feelings against meat-eating, I can understand why he might not want it to be sold at an event bearing his name. You're correct that this may raise issues with the rights of franchisees -- I don't know how the venue dealt with that. But I can see how this particular request could have been made as a matter of principle, and not out of diva-ish self-importance (which is the only explanation I can think of for most of the other demands on the rider).

I can't stand Morrissey, BTW.

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