Gordon in the morning: Gordon goes to the Q awards

Gordon doesn't want us to get the wrong impression: He's quite the man about town:

I’VE been to some pretty lively awards ceremonies...

Oh yes, he's seen people supping Asti Martini from dirty glasses, seen Johnny Borrell perform with a shirt on. Gordon thought he was unshockable. But:

but none as weird as yesterday’s Q Awards.

Oooh! Did Bauer decide to spring for a full-on black mass? Did strange half-human, half-shrimp like creatures swim through the air, distributing advertising material for the Kings of Leon album? Was Noel Gallagher talking backwards?

Worse than that, apparently:

Q Awards freak show

A freak show! Really? It's not just that Grace Jones turned up, is it?

Eighties dance diva GRACE JONES came close to stealing his crown as the biggest headcase of the night.

She was dressed like the Emperor from Star Wars and made about as much sense as Chewbacca on Class A drugs.

"dressed like the emperor" seems to mean "wore a face mask" - crazy, crazy times. And is Gordon suggesting that he could actually understand a Wookie who wasn't on drugs? "Come on Chewie, you're making no sense; I never should have let you have that tab..."

She compared herself to Lazarus in a speech so odd it had the crowd hiding behind their chairs.

I'm not quite sure why someone who has had some time away from the spotlight suggesting that she's been resurrected is quite so confusing to Gordon. Maybe he was sat there nudging his companions and whispering "she thinks she's a Boo Radleys song."

So, a woman in a mask who makes a bible reference - it's not that freaky. Hardly on a par with the days when Bedlam would be a tourist stop-off.

But there's more.

Ageing star MEAT LOAF’s truly cringe-worthy acceptance speech at London’s Grosvenor House Hotel left the crowd utterly bewildered.

Goodness, the audience spent a lot of time being confused and bewildered. It must have been like watching a spy movie with your grandparents - "what are they doing now? why are the saying that? which one is that?"

Meat’s people put the curious behaviour down to an eye injury and vertigo and whisked him off to hospital. He was still there last night.

So, he spent the night in hospital, which suggests that he was unwell. Is it entirely fair to call a bloke who needs hospital treatment a freak?

Apparently so. But Gordon's got more:

Eighties legend ADAM ANT,who has previously been sectioned under the Mental Health Act, said: “It’s good to be standing here. In fact, it’s just good to be standing anywhere.

“I can’t wait for the COLDPLAY royalties to come pouring in for the inspiration my outfits gave them.”

So Adam Ant is considered part of a freak show because he's had a mental illness? Gordon sounds slightly disappointed that Ant didn't run around in his underpants putting fruit on his head:

The man I thought most likely to be off the rails actually made the most coherent speech.

But it's not just the, erm, freaks that Gordon was bothered about:

What qualifies KIMBERLY STEWART to present an award to Coldplay

Yeah, where's her certificate from the University Of Making A Mumbling Speech? Has she even been to 'reading the word Coldplay off an envelope' summer school?

Perhaps, Gordon, the organisers thought she was qualified because she is known; perhaps she is known because your column reports on her doings as if she was famous. It's a bit like Frankenstein complaining about all these re-animated corpse monsters running about.