Embed and breakfast man: Adam Ant

It's Saturday. That's all the excuse we need for Adam Ant on Swap Shop. Includes a segment of Adam and Noel talking about the recession:



Do not phone or write. This is a recording.

Gordon in the morning: Gallagher's gob

Liam Gallagher. You forget, between word-splurges, how tiresome he is, don't you?

Gallagher told NME: "Adam and the Ants? No. Not into a geezer who wears make-up. Especially f***ing nutty ones. And tell him 'You're not the only **** who's off his t*ts.'"

MIND and others have sighed, and pointed out to him that throwing words like "nutty" around about people with mental health problems is a cruel. So let's just look at the other half of his statement - that he ignores Adam Ant because he wears make-up.

Apart from being the sort of thing you don't much hear outside of 1970s sitcom fathers, it's such a musically ignorant statement you'd expect it to be coming from someone who... well, makes records like Beady Eye do.

On the other hand, there might be an argument for avoiding inept wearers of make-up:

Liam Gallagher has taken to dyeing his hair and wearing eyeliner, according to brother Noel. "I think he's trying to head off old age but it'll catch him," explained the guitarist.

Old age might catch him; it's unlikely to bring its usual wisdom, though.

Qua diddly qua qua

Alan Ant is on On The Ropes on Radio 4 this morning, at 9am. You can hear it again at 9.30pm.

And, yes, there is an awkward photo of Adam Ant and John Humphrys, since you ask:

Gordon in the morning: Don't tread on an ant

There's nothing much swilling round the Bizarre pages from this morning, so let's go back and look at something published during yesterday and buried way, way down the page.

Adam Ant has fallen out with Liam Gallagher, and with good reason:

The singer - who's battled mental illness in recent years - enlisted Liam's BEADY EYE bandmate ANDY BELL to play bass on one track that appears on his new record Adam Ant Is The Blueblack Hussar In Marrying The Gunner's Daughter.

As a result, Adam claims Liam attempted to ban him from using the tune, warning there would be "trouble" if his demand was ignored.

Does Liam think he's Bradley Hardacre or something? Isn't stopping Andy Bell from working with whom he chooses - the effective upshot of Gallagher's demands - restraint of trade? Isn't it understandable that Bell might want to use his talents in a way that stretches him rather than just providing plodding back-up for a one-man auto-erotic tribute band?

Bizarre sounds sympathetic to Ant's health problems, by the way:

He suffers from bipolar disorder and has been unable to work for much of the past decade, thanks largely to the medication he was on.

Although if Gordon and his team know that Ant has had health problems, it makes it all the more mystifying why the last time they wrote about him it was under this headline:

Adam Ant's bonkers rant

Seems the Sun learned nothing from that Frank Bruno 'bonkers' headline after all.

Adam Ant back in hospital

It seemed like this was where we were heading a couple of weeks ago, when people were more concerned with trying to stop discussion of his performances than seeing if Adam needed help. Adam Ant has been sectioned:

The 55-year-old musician, according to The Music Fix (TMF) website, announced to his fans that he was in the hospital and asked that they send him postcards.

“Please don’t come down here as it may upset the staff who have been really pleasant,” said Ant’s message. “I am having a well earned rest at Her Majesty’s Pleasure and am painting and continuing being an art student. I have a great view and am considering gigs later in the year.”

Adam appears to have had a breakdown during a charity gig, which involved shouting obscenities at Christians.

The Christians he'd been shouting at had been booing him just moments before, but as far as we can tell none of them have been sectioned yet. One man being rude to lots is nuts; lots of people being rude to one man is feedback.

Adam Ant hits the comeback trail. Comeback trail hits back, harder.

There is little to add to this email from Scary Boots than the sound of scrabbling around on the floor attempting to find my dropped jaw:

Last night I was at Stay Beautiful, a glittery rock and roll club night thing at the purple turtle where they usually have bands like 'An experiment on a bird in the air pump'. Last night they had a godawful tranny-riot girl act. But that is not the point. The point is Adam Ant was supporting. And it was awful.

To start with, it was OK. He's faintly ludicrous in the same way as all older guys who refuse to accept that people are not as interested in their chests as once they were. (Moobs. At least an A-cup, if I'm any judge). It hit a low when he started rubbing strongbow all over himself. The poor girl's Dita, perhaps. But it ended.

And then, after 'Lady Noise' - fantastic outfits, shame about the music and the lyrics - he came back on again. And announced he was going to perform a song he'd been working on for a while. 'It was originally by Bruce Springsteen', he said, 'But I've changed it and made it my own.'

The change? He sang 'Born in the Uuuuuu K' instead of the USA. That was it. And interjected occasionally with 'This is for Sophie Lancaster. Beaten to death for being a punk rocker.' 'Every time I click my fingers a punk rocker dies.' 'Next time it could be you!' Click. Click. "Born in the Uuuuuu K!" Insightful social commentary (although where does he find punk rockers these days?).

It's bad enough being beaten to death by thugs without having hideous songs caterwauled in dedication to you.

I'm not sure my description fully encapsulates how fucking awful it was. With any luck, someone was filming.

Anyway. Thought you might care. All my friends who were there were overwhelmed by seeing 'the real adam ant!!!'. And did not know the original Springsteen.

It's awful and heartbreaking in equal measures - the murder of Sophie Lancaster was a terrible thing, but you'd think Adam could at least get the subculture she belonged to right. Or might have thought a little better of clumsily adapting a song about Vietnam veterans as a misguided tribute.

There is some video footage available - not the Springsteen, unfortunately, but... well, here's a idea of what we missed:

Gordon in the morning: Gordon goes to the Q awards

Gordon doesn't want us to get the wrong impression: He's quite the man about town:

I’VE been to some pretty lively awards ceremonies...

Oh yes, he's seen people supping Asti Martini from dirty glasses, seen Johnny Borrell perform with a shirt on. Gordon thought he was unshockable. But:

but none as weird as yesterday’s Q Awards.

Oooh! Did Bauer decide to spring for a full-on black mass? Did strange half-human, half-shrimp like creatures swim through the air, distributing advertising material for the Kings of Leon album? Was Noel Gallagher talking backwards?

Worse than that, apparently:

Q Awards freak show

A freak show! Really? It's not just that Grace Jones turned up, is it?

Eighties dance diva GRACE JONES came close to stealing his crown as the biggest headcase of the night.

She was dressed like the Emperor from Star Wars and made about as much sense as Chewbacca on Class A drugs.

"dressed like the emperor" seems to mean "wore a face mask" - crazy, crazy times. And is Gordon suggesting that he could actually understand a Wookie who wasn't on drugs? "Come on Chewie, you're making no sense; I never should have let you have that tab..."

She compared herself to Lazarus in a speech so odd it had the crowd hiding behind their chairs.

I'm not quite sure why someone who has had some time away from the spotlight suggesting that she's been resurrected is quite so confusing to Gordon. Maybe he was sat there nudging his companions and whispering "she thinks she's a Boo Radleys song."

So, a woman in a mask who makes a bible reference - it's not that freaky. Hardly on a par with the days when Bedlam would be a tourist stop-off.

But there's more.

Ageing star MEAT LOAF’s truly cringe-worthy acceptance speech at London’s Grosvenor House Hotel left the crowd utterly bewildered.

Goodness, the audience spent a lot of time being confused and bewildered. It must have been like watching a spy movie with your grandparents - "what are they doing now? why are the saying that? which one is that?"

Meat’s people put the curious behaviour down to an eye injury and vertigo and whisked him off to hospital. He was still there last night.

So, he spent the night in hospital, which suggests that he was unwell. Is it entirely fair to call a bloke who needs hospital treatment a freak?

Apparently so. But Gordon's got more:

Eighties legend ADAM ANT,who has previously been sectioned under the Mental Health Act, said: “It’s good to be standing here. In fact, it’s just good to be standing anywhere.

“I can’t wait for the COLDPLAY royalties to come pouring in for the inspiration my outfits gave them.”

So Adam Ant is considered part of a freak show because he's had a mental illness? Gordon sounds slightly disappointed that Ant didn't run around in his underpants putting fruit on his head:

The man I thought most likely to be off the rails actually made the most coherent speech.

But it's not just the, erm, freaks that Gordon was bothered about:

What qualifies KIMBERLY STEWART to present an award to Coldplay

Yeah, where's her certificate from the University Of Making A Mumbling Speech? Has she even been to 'reading the word Coldplay off an envelope' summer school?

Perhaps, Gordon, the organisers thought she was qualified because she is known; perhaps she is known because your column reports on her doings as if she was famous. It's a bit like Frankenstein complaining about all these re-animated corpse monsters running about.

Q Awards rearrange words 'Coldplay' 'gongs' 'scoop' into a report

The 2008 Q Awards have been dished out in some sort of event; we've hard refreshed the BBC News coverage to ensure we weren't looking at a cached report from 2007. Or 2006. Or 2005.

Coldplay were the mildly big winners - two prizes - while Keane won one. Which is funny, because 'one Q award' is a bit like 'two Q awards' only not quite as good.

Duffy - who seems to have been around since Prisoner Cell Block H was on the telly - won the breakthrough, though she's apparently not as good as the Last Shadow Puppets, who were judged the totally-different Best New Act.

To be honest, we're not sure if you asked Q what the difference between Q Idol, Q icon, Q inspiration, Q Legend and Q Outstanding Contribution is, they'd be able to tell you. At least classic song makes some sort of distinction, but it was given to Meat Loaf for Bat Out Of Hell. He turned up with an injured eye, which perhaps means that Jim Steinman was fighting him for the right to the title.

Those all-the-same-prize-with-different-names winners in order: Grace Jones, Alan Ant, the Cocteau Twins, Glen Campbell and Dave Gilmour.

The Kaiser Chiefs off of Channel Five television picked up the best live act title, which probably was for the same bloody set they were playing two years ago.

Ridicule is nothing to be scared of

Somewhat bemusingly, Mary Wakefield on the Spectator's Blog suggests that Alistair Darling should have, erm, read his speech over an Alan Ant album:

Who else reckons that Mr Darling's plodding budget could have used a lively soundtrack? Well, here's my recommendation: Goody Two Shoes by Adam and the Ants. The lyrics pretty much sum up the whole sorry affair!

"Put on a little makeup makeup
Make sure they get your good side good side

If the words unspoken
Get stuck in your throat
Send a treasure token token
Write it on a pound note pound note

Goody two goody two goody goody two shoes Goody two goody two goody goody two shoes Don't drink don't smoke - what do you do Don't drink don't smoke - what do you do

Subtle innuendos follow.

There must be something he's hiding"

Mary, we presume, is unaware that the song is written about the way the press attacked Adam for his (then) straight-edge habits. So, yes, Darling probably would feel justified in playing the track in response to the press attacking him for a straight-edge budget by publishing the lyrics of a song about being attacked for a... and so on.

The Spectator really shouldn't try engaging with popular music, should it?