Paul McCartney is angling for an invite to the inauguration. That's just par for the course. Gordon's headline?
Mac it, Obama
Is that meant to be a pun on Barack Obama?
The fresh hospitalisation of Amy Winehouse sees another little struggle over Bizarre bylines:
By PETE SAMSON
Deputy Bizarre Editor and CARL STROUD
Is being deputy to Gordon really something that requires bigging up?
It's not clear which of the two writers was responsible for this gloomy made-up quote:
The source said: “It didn’t stop until she was on the floor on Sunday. She has ended up in hospital a few times after similar drink and drugs related seizures. If she carries on, one of these incidents will be her last.”
The official line on the trip to hospital?
Amy’s spokesman confirmed she was taken to hospital on Sunday but claimed she had “a bad reaction to the combination of medication she has currently been prescribed.”
Why was Pete Samson - Deputy Bizarre Editor - taking care of the Amy story? Because Gordon himself is in Santa Monica with Coldplay:
ONE thing I never thought I would say in my career is that I have been kidnapped by Coldplay.
Yes, Chris Martin bundled him into the back of a car, drove him into the desert and... oh, hang on, he didn't. "Kidnapped by Coldplay" actually turns out to mean "their PR team invited me on a press junket":
They gave me a seat on their private jet, a fancy hotel room, my own space in their dressing room, a key role in their football team and, most important, a chance to wear one of their Viva La Vida uniforms (which I once suggested were smelly — they are not).
It's funny, isn't it - Chris Martin moans about the paparazzi, even to the extent of hitting them, and yet he's happy to fawn over one of the main sources of their income.
Still, if the idea was to generate acres of unquestioning press coverage to try and push the tickets for next year's gigs, it worked:
Shortly afterwards I was ushered through a sea of friendly faces to sit down with Chris and guitarist Jonny for the first half of the interview.
Chris grabbed a pile of food for us to share, which was NOT macrobiotic, and immediately struck me as an incredibly entertaining character.
Both blokes were a great laugh, joking through the interview.
Gordon carries on in this style for 1,500 words, delivering something that in his head sounds like Almost Famous but on the page is 'what I did on my holidays':
Inside they cracked open some beers and a bottle of red wine for the short hop to LA.
The pilot made an announcement welcoming me to the Coldplay party.
Drummer Will and Jonny sat glued to their laptops watching episodes of The Wire.
Guy sat calmly sipping his lager and Chris bounced around the jet with a huge smile, joking with the crew.
Half-way through the flight Chris came over to me with a piece of paper with notes scribbled on it.
And then a lady did bring some food. And I had a sandwich and some nuts. And then the plane did land. And we got off the plane and I was walking behind Chris. I love Chris.
He often gets a rough time for being a bit of a geek.
But my experience with him was the opposite.
He was thoughtful, funny and impressively warm to people.
And that's genuine, of course: it's nothing to do with trying to get a good write-up in Britain's best-selling celebrity title just before expensive tickets are being pitched into a credit-stretched market. Not at all.