You have to take your hat off to Gordon today: he has got a global scoop. A genuine one. A Britney exclusive:
Roll up! Hear Brit's Circus first
Actually, it's not quite as impressive as that would make it sound - typically, even when Gordon gets something worth having, he manages to turn it into a disappointment. The headline should be "I hear Brit's Circus first", as you don't get a stream of Britney, but instead get to read about what Gordon thinks of it:
I’m the only journalist on the planet to have heard the pop princess’s latest offering
It's arguable if Britney is still a pop princess, but no more arguable than if Gordon is a journalist or not.
The trouble is, whatever Gordon's strengths are (wearing borrowed suits, identifying breasts), he's useless as a reviewer. Perhaps that's why he was given first listen - you don't let someone who can work out the secret ingredients sample the first taste of the new chicken sauce. But it does mean that still, really, only one person on the planet outside Britney's team knows what the thing really sounds like:
Kill The Lights focuses on the star’s relationship with the paparazzi, the lights referring to flash bulbs. It’s a brilliant disco banger with an elastic bass line and plenty of spooky keyboard work.
During Kill The Lights Brit addresses her camera-toting tormentors with the brilliant line: “Is that money in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?”
Yes, yes, it might not be that brilliant a line, but this is a man who has just described a track as a "brilliant disco banger".
The broader point to remember, though, is that The Sun has never yet been given an exclusive opportunity to have first listen to an album it doesn't like. Under Newton and Smart, the flattery of being the first audience is always reflected back in much greater flattery in the review. Mind you, if team Brit was hoping for something they could slap on the adverts, they might struggle a bit:
It’s a stirring break-up ballad up there with the best.
Perhaps they should think about getting a copy over to someone else.