Gordon in the morning: Splitting

Regular readers of Gordon's column will have been investing in pith helmets and fall-out shelters, as the Bizarre team have been predicting acrimony in the air as Madonna and that Guy bloke divorce.

They know it's going to be nasty.

Just 11 days ago, Richard White was worried:

MADONNA shows the strain of her divorce — looking gaunt and tired and collapsing into a coughing fit.
[...]
“You would never know [Guy] was going through what seems to be a very bitter divorce.

On October 28th, Alex West warned that innocent bystanders were being dragged in:

MADONNA and GUY RITCHIE are demanding their staff snitch on each other as part of their bitter divorce battle.

Emily Smith predicted on October 23rd that the pair were going to dredge up rumours of affairs to add to the pain:

Both Guy and Madonna strongly deny having had affairs as they head into an increasingly bitter divorce.

A source close to Guy said: “He dismisses any rumours of an affair with anybody out of hand.”

Madonna and Guy’s spokesmen refused to comment on further reports that the pair shared furious rows.

On October 29th, Virginia Wheeler took space amongst Gordon's column to warn readers it was bad, and getting worst:

The divorce battle has become increasingly bitter since The Sun revealed the split two weeks ago.

The pop queen’s pals have nicknamed him “Material Guy” — claiming he wants a huge slice of her fortune.

Oh yes: if there's one thing Bizarre readers know, it's that this divorce is going to be bitter. Cities, it's quite possible, will be destroyed.

So they might be a little surprised this morning to open their papers to a piece by Gordon and Virginia which reveals that, erm, that the divorce is going to quick and painless. Gordon is delighted:

But one thing they will both be grateful for is the quickie divorce.

They have avoided a bitter Mills-McCartney battle.

That is a blessing for the kids who must have suffered the most in the circus of this separation.

It's hard to see how the Bizarre column could have been labouring under the impression for the last month that things were bitter, and increasingly bitter at that. Where on earth did so many of the team get the idea that the divorce was going to be a messy battle, do you think?

Perhaps it was October 16th's "insider's view" from, erm, Gordon Smart:

a game of emotional chess is beginning to unravel — and there are worrying signs this one is shaping up to get dirty.

Both sides have good intentions at this stage for the divorce to pass through smoothly — mainly for the sake of their children.

But today’s revelations in another big Sun exclusive prove the battle lines are being drawn.

The last thing they need is for this situation to degenerate into an undignified mud-slinging scrap like the divorce between Sir Paul McCartney and Heather Mills.

And if Guy and Madonna were child-free there’s no question this one would be nasty.

So, having set up the expectation that "battle lines" were being drawn, Gordon is now delighted that there's no battle. Because of the kiddies, naturally. No word yet on why his insider's view seems to have been so out of touch with reality, nor how he's been running reports for five weeks that have been calling the divorce incorrectly. Perhaps he's saving that for tomorrow.