Gordon in the morning: Advent

I'm not sure why, but I'm getting the feeling Gordon might be a bit low on stuff to share with us today. Just a feeling, mind. Can't put my finger on why.

It's the most wonderful time of the year: that countdown to Christmas where Gordon Smart does his best to spoil Christmas surprises:

Secret for Victoria, David?

DAVID BECKHAM looks like he’s trying to Spice up his sex life — by buying undies for wife VICTORIA.

Becks, 33, and son Romeo, six, were seen holding bags from lingerie store Victoria’s Secrets in New York — also with Brooklyn, nine, and Cruz, three.

Not much of a secret now, is it?

Noel Gallagher has brought some of his trademark wit to respond to Status Quo's suggestion that Oasis are quite dull on stage and, since Smart seems to have confused Gallagher and Murdoch and lets him treat the Bizarre column as his personal fiefdom, he runs Noel's response in full:

“Normally I wouldn’t give a rat’s arsehole what Status Quo have got to say about anything.

“But tell those ****s from me that when I go on stage at Wembley next summer, I won’t be wondering about what the poster boys for Help The Aged think.”

Ha-ha. They're old, you see. There's nothing like 'you're older than me' as an amusing comeback from a rock star in his 40s.

You know what would be great, though? If there was some way we could conflate Noel's stance with everyday Bizarre stuff... a crossover... if only there was some way...