Oh, the scenes as JLS play a free gig at Croydon's Fairfield Halls:
X-Factor fans injured at JLS gig
Wow, they haven't even won yet and they're creating carnage and chaos and pain. What was this, then? A barrier collapse? Dozens squished as a crowd surged forward to touch the hem of the JLS garments?
The London Ambulance Service said four of the girls were taken to hospital after four ambulances, three single responders and a duty manager were called to the scene shortly after 4pm.
"We treated five patients. They were all teenage girls, all with minor injuries.
"Four of them were taken to Mayday Hospital in south London. There was one with a hand injury, one with difficulty in breathing and two who were also just taken unwell.
"The fifth was treated at the scene."
Mayday hospital? Really? If you were being rushed to hospital, getting reassured all the way, would you really want to see the words "Mayday" everywhere?
Anyway, while it doesn't exactly sound like fun, even the Telegraph realises that this wasn't one of those events where they'll be making a film in years to come:
One concert-goer told the Croydon Guardian she was helped from the crowd after suffering an asthma and panic attack.
"I'd been queuing since 1pm but when the schoolkids turned up it became so busy with them all pushing us towards the front," she said.
"There was a pregnant woman in the crowd. It was horrible. I couldn't move. I couldn't get out."
It's not clear if the person who spoke to the Croydon paper thought it was horrible because of the crush, or because there was a pregnant woman there - "get that gravid beast away from me, dammit..."
The Police just wouldn't play ball with any sort of quote claiming they'd never seen anything like it:
A Metropolitan Police spokesman said: "It was all over and done with by 8pm."
Young people get a bit over-excited at the prospect of seeing someone off the telly. The front pages remain resolutely unheld.