The News of the World is thrilled - thrilled - this morning to report that Amy Winehouse is launching her own record label:
MEET Amy Winehouse, (the ever so unlikely) Music Mogul.
The recovering drug addict is spending a whopping £1 million to launch her own record company.
Well, that makes sense. She's done so well at managing her own affairs, why wouldn't she take on some other, younger, less together artists under her wing? I'm picturing something like putting Anakin in charge of the Younglings.
The trouble with running a record label is that you have to spend time trudging about, watching bands, listening to mp3s. How is Amy going to make room in her busy minesweeping and trapeze schedule to find acts to sign?
She’s named the business Lioness and has already made her first signing — her uber-talented 12-year-old goddaughter Dionne Bromfield.
Amy Winehouse is somebody's godmother? Supposedly pledged to protecting this Dionne from Satan? Presumably by distracting him and keeping him busy?
Yes, by a fabulous stroke of good fortune, Amy has managed to find an "uber-talented" artist for her label simply by concentrating hard to remember some people she knows.
Naturally, what parent wouldn't be delighted at the thought of their preteen being taken under Amy's protective wing and being shown the route through the potential pitfalls of the music industry?
Amy is so confident that Dionne has what it takes to become Britain’s next pop sensation she’s teamed her up with US star Lady Gaga, soul singer Lemar and X Factor finalist Eoghan Quigg to record duets.
Lemar? Eggand Quim? Short of making the poor child dress up in a Mr Wimpy costume and record a song with Michael Barrymore, it's hard to see how the kid could be any more hobbled. Perhaps Amy is approaching it like when twelve year-olds get swimming certificates: everyone knows that in the real world you won't have to rescue someone clinging to brick while wearing pyjamas, but being able to overcome the extreme disadvantage is good training.