Bizarre this morning is leading with a piece by Sharon Hendry:
He's tall with smouldering Latin looks ... and a fear of commitment. Is it true love for Kylie or ... DEJA PHEW!
And that's just the headline.
He is called Andres Velencoso Segura, he may or may not be seeing Kylie, and that may or may not be a problem:
[W]hile many women would not be distracted in the arms of smouldering Spanish supermodel Andres Velencoso Segura, Kylie can’t ignore the fact that he is the spitting image of Olivier, the French actor who nursed her through breast cancer.
Presumably Europeans are the last people about whom it's permissible to say "they all look the bloody same to me".
Still, it's great for The Sun, since nobody hear knows anything about Segura, allowing acres of space-filling with biography and clumsily-translated old interviews which may, or may not, be significant in light of his possible romance with Kylie:
Andres, who lists his hobbies as scuba diving off the Costa Brava, cycling, Pilates and photography, is also not shy of showing off his impressive body, even having modelled in the nude.
A model who isn't shy of showing off his body. Whatever next, eh?
While some readers might be delighted with the bluffer's guide to Segura...
KYLIE came to fame as Jason Donovan’s wife in Neighbours.
... they might not be quite so much in need of a Kylie guide.
Today's pages have the air of Gordon being elsewhere - perhaps he's had to get a second job to help his employers pull some cash together to give to Sharon Osbourne - although the non-story that Simon Cowell is supposedly going to release a Russell Brand novelty single looks a little Gordonesque, in that it's a bold claim with scant actual support and a hell of a lot of padding and clod-headed claims:
It could be 2009’s answer to WHIGFIELD’s Saturday Night.
But that wasn't a comedy song. Gordon really needs to read some guide to songs by comedians. Luckily, he's dumped one into the very same piece:
Over the years loads of comedians have trampled the same path.
ALEXEI SAYLE wrote Ullo John! Gotta New Motor? NEIL from THE YOUNG ONES had a No2 with Hole In My Shoe.
VIC REEVES AND THE WONDERSTUFF topped the charts with Dizzy.
FRANK SKINNER and DAVID BADDIEL wrote some song about footie’s European Championships and PETER KAY has had a couple of chart-toppers in the past few years.
Ah, the joys of two minutes on Wikipedia, eh?
Still, thanks to the Sun's "I have nothing to add but I shall type it anyway" looky-at feedback feature I Reckon This, Gordon isn't the least well-informed person on the page:
Posted by: carolmumof4
Well you have to be a nonce, an idiot, Ignorant and stupid to be called a "celebrity" or make a CD in Politically correct creeping, stupid, yellow livered Britain. Country is down the pan.
So, if you're smart and you want to get a CD release in Britain, the only way to do is by sexually abusing children?