Gordon in the morning: That close to a superstar wedding, then

Given that Bizarre seems to have run stories suggesting Winehouse is dumping Fielder-Civil, getting back with him and getting back with that other Blake bloke, it's perhaps no surprise this morning Gordon and his team is suggesting she's going to run off with a rugby player.

This seems to hang on nothing more than a photo of her standing on a beach with some jawbone called Josh Bowman, who is friends with Danny Capriani. Who apparently plays rugby for a living.

It's all a bit vague, but that doesn't stop Gordon running a think piece:

RUGBY hunk Josh Bowman must have some balls to tackle Amy Winehouse.

Up to now she’s tossed away every opportunity to get back on the straight and narrow.

But hanging out with a decent lad on a sun-kissed island miles from the madness of Camden can’t be a bad thing.

It’s got to be better than throwing money at hopeless junkie husband Blake Fielder-Civil.

Let’s hope this new love for life inspires her to pick up a pen, write some decent tunes and do what she does best . . . sing.

Bloody hell, man: it's a photo of her on holiday in St Lucia; let's not start over-extrapolating, eh? After all, she went to exactly the same place twelve months ago, and that hardly was the opening for a golden year, was it?

Meanwhile, Simon Cowell's attempts to drive a coach and horses through US immigration policy to get Cheryl Cole working in the States, despite her recent conviction for beating the crap out of a toilet attendant - sorry, that should be "[w]hat Cheryl did [...] a long time ago and entirely out of character" - gets Gordon turning into a linguist:

If Cheryl does make it on to Oprah, it’ll be interesting to see how the Yanks cope with her Geordie twang.

Not many of them will know that “Way ayy man” means hell yeah, dude — or that “Alreet pet?” means how’s it going chick?

And fewer will know that “Canny bag o’ Tudor” is her way of saying awesome potato chips.

Goodness, you're right, Gordon. We'll really, really have to hope that Oprah Winfrey doesn't move the conversation on to Cole's opinions on bags of crisps, won't we? Or pavements, come to that. Apparently, Gordon, Americans call that "the sidewalk" - and they say tomayto, too. All the time.