Gordon in the morning: Shining bright

Today, Gordon is leading off with one of those eye-catching half-arsed pieces of Photoshop:

Future vision ... How Robbie could look in The Shining

Yes, apparently Robbie Williams is going to turn into Jack Nicholson and murder his family. Hang about... Gordon, are you sure on this one?

ROBBIE WILLIAMS and girlfriend AYDA FIELD are at loggerheads over the singer’s move back to Britain.

The former TAKE THAT star has left LA behind to return to home soil in a bid to reclaim his pop crown.

No, come on: if Smart had really wanted to keep those sentences aloft by hacky cliche alone, he could have worked in "La-La Land" and "Blighty", too. But so far, it's not clear why this would turn him into a homicidal maniac. Unless, you know, it's less loggerheads, more lop-off-their-heads. Is that it, Gordon?

But the move hasn’t gone down well with American actress Ayda.

She is on the cusp of big things with her career Stateside and pals say there is no way she will move at the moment.

Isn't this closer to the plot of The Chain than The Shining, Gordon?

That would leave a lonesome Rob kicking around his vast, snow-covered Wiltshire mansion with only his new bike for company.

While it's possible that Williams might have bought a snow machine, it's probable that by the time he's here, unpacking his Project Blue Book novels, the snow will have gone.

With his eccentric antics he’ll be like JACK NICHOLSON in classic horror flick The Shining.

Let’s hope his mansion doesn’t have a maze.

Aha! So, being on your own in an empty mansion is just like being in a closed hotel with psychic staff and a family who you want to kill.

The story is nothing like The Shining at all. But it does, it must be admitted, hold an uncanny similarity to something else: a story published by the Daily Star on December 18th. Or "last year", in other words.

It's like that TV programme, Early Edition, where the bloke got the paper before anyone else. Except the complete opposite.