Gordon in the morning: It's funny because he's got a famous name

Will, you wonder, Gordon and his pals ever tire of the humour opportunity offered by Madonna dating a bloke called Jesus?

Not faster than Jesus tires of Madonna, it looks like:

Oh Jesus, what are you up to?

Do you see? Because Jesus is both a common name in South America and a thing that people say when they're exasperated.

David Willetts has filed this for Bizarre, churning up some rumour that Jesus had been dirty dancing with a "lingerie model". To make matters worse, this model doesn't even have name that comes from the Bible - she's called Luciana Costa, not Noah or Pontius or anything.

Actually, what is an "lingerie model" anyway? Does she refuse to model outwear? Or is it simply that she has done a bra shoot from time to time? Isn't that a bit like calling a fireman "a supermarket fireman" on the basis that they once put out a blaze above a Liptons?

Anyway, Jesus and Luciana were either mates enjoying a dance, or illicit lovers kissing - KISSING - behind Madonna's back, depending on if you have a page of gossip to fill or not.

Is there any real evidence, David, that Jesus was out on a tomcat prowl?

Jesus, wearing a jaunty hat, held 31-year-old Luciana close and whispered in her ear [...]

A jaunty hat, eh? Clearly up to no good.

And whispering in an ear? What other explanation could there be, other than this being in a noisy nightclub where you have to bellow into people's lug'oles in order to make yourself heard?

Also on Gordon's page, Bizarre manages to publish a headline about Natasha's Richardson's terrible accident without mentioning her name:

Ski crash horror of Neeson's wife

FILM star is in a critical condition after suffering brain injuries in a skiing accident

On the actual story, a sub editor seems to have spotted this and crammed the word "Nat" onto the end of the headline.

Gordon himself is looking at the news of a threat to something we're meant to think of as a national treasure:

The latest in this noble line of plus-size funnymen to find fame is Bizarre Award winner JAMES CORDEN.

But alarming news reaches me — the cuddly comic may not stay tubby much longer.

The Gavin & Stacey star is going on a health kick to shift a few of his larger love handles.

He has swapped his penchant for pastry for low-fat veggie wraps.

But... but... if you remove the "... and James Corden, or the character he is playing who is a lot like James Corden although perhaps wearing a cheap wig, is FAT" punchline from Corne & Horden or Hoddle & Waddle or whatever it's called, there won't be any jokes left at all, surely?

Happily, it turns out that Smart doesn't know anything about a diet, it's just the bloke in sandwich shop says sometimes he has a tuna wrap when he pops in. Phew.