Woot-ton: Taking down the blurtings of drunk men

You could almost feel sorry for the Sunday tabloids, what with the event they've all been waiting for occurring long after their print halls had finished for the day. You could almost feel sorry for the daily tabs as well, who are still hours and hours away from publishing. Almost feel sorry. On the other hand, I'm sure they'll still come up with a thousand grisly ways to make money off of Jade Goody's back, so it's not like it's worth shedding a tear for them.

Online, the News Of The World's team is rushing to rebuild the webpages to push anything not related to the Jade onto the edges. It's worth pointing out that their left-hand navigation actually has an item today that just reads:

Nude: Star bares all about men & motherhood

- without even bothering to mention who the naked celebrity is. It's Tina Hobley, actually, who's recreated her first FHM shoot, only using a baby instead of thigh-high boots. Which is slightly disturbing. Not that the NOTW noticed anyway.

So, what has Dan Wootton got for us today? News of a Kate Moss wedding:

SMITTEN rocker JAMIE HINCE has blurted out his big secret —he wants to marry wreck- head girlfriend KATE MOSS.

The Kills guitarist told me she’s The One and he’s ready to pop a ring on her finger.

Wow. Really? It's not just he blurted out something about being madly in love while he was a bit tiddly, then?

As Kate knocked back the vodka lemonades at London’s Volstead club on Thursday, Jamie pulled me aside and shouted in my ear: “I want to marry that girl.”

He then toasted his vow with a vodka cranberry before singing very loudly: “She’s all I want. She’s all I need.”

That's not quite "I'm ready to make a long-term commitment", no matter how badly you slur it.

Meanwhile, Dan is sticking up for his celebrity journalism skills, which are great, right?:

I’ve discovered the real name of Brit rap queen M.I.A’s baby son.

He did this through hours of diligent research, numerous interviews, and hard hitting of the books.

Oh, unless he read it online when TMZ published the birth certificate yesterday.

She denied rumours that she’d given her newborn the bizarre name, ICKITT.

But it’s actually not far off. According to the official birth certificate, his full name is Ikhyd Edgar Arular Bronfman.

Somehow, Dan seems to be upset that when people claimed that MIA's kid was called something other than his actual name, that MIA pointed out the error. What was he expecting? That she'd go "well, that's near enough"? Or "oooh... warm... warmer... getting colder"?

People said he was called Ickitt. He isn't.

If the News bylined his pieces "by Damn Poothorn", would Dan go "well, it's almost a homophone"?

Still, does Dan have anything insightful to say about the actual name?

Alrighty then.

He's a bit of a loss to the political pages, isn't he? You might at least have thought he'd have had a little coo over both the grandad's names being given as middle names, wouldn't you?