What a pity that whole Marital Understanding scam failed, eh? If Heather Mills had given the tabloids something interesting, perhaps today Gordon wouldn't be reduced to leading online with this:
Oh, tatt’s Sarah from Girls Aloud
In the paper, this is just a small, bitty story tucked in the corner of the page. Online - despite having a prominent position - it's still just a small, bitty story. Although 'story' might be pushing it:
I HOPE SARAH HARDING thought long and hard before she got this new tattoo.
The GIRLS ALOUD star has been inked with a large black design on her left forearm.
The tatt is a Tibetan script but the exact meaning of it remains a mystery.
Most tattoos are down to being drunk on holiday or for a special meaning.
Could Sarah’s translate as “Caner for life” or “Live for the weekend”?
Gordon goes on to ask his readers if they can "decipher" the tattoo. Even although the picture only shows about half the word.
It would be wrong for any fans of The Glums to email Gordon and claim the tattoo reads "I love suet pudding".
Elsewhere, Andrew White from the Kaiser Chiefs - you might remember them - has said something vaguely disparaging about Oasis, naturally generating the standard boilerplate coverage of anything vaguely fighty-Kaisers related:
I predict another Oasis riot
Naturally, Gordon can't be arsed to dig out a picture of White, and so Ricky Wilson's photo appears with the "war of words" caption on the piece. That's how Mussolini was dragged into the Second World War, you know.
[White] said: ?We have no time for him. Music is an art but he doesn?t appreciate music for what it is.?
I?m sure Noel will have something to say about that.
Oh, God, I'm sure he will, Gordon. But that doesn't mean we have to pay any attention to it, right?
Whitey?s comments to a Singapore newspaper are badly timed.
Oasis played there on Sunday and the Kaisers were playing last night.
There could have been an interesting clash in duty free.
If Oasis had been trapped in airport for three days, and were still in the duty free store, you might understand them being a bit fractious.
And returning to yesterday's Gordonage, the BBC News magazine monitor joins in the praise for Smart's restraint in not invading the privacy of Chris Martin's kids:
"The Coldplay frontman hates his kids having their picture taken, so I've left them off the page," writes Smart, who is clearly in a charitable mood.
But let's just revisit three words of that sentence again - "left them off". Hmmmm - sounds, how shall we say it, suspicious.
Sure enough, a quick visit to Gordon's column online reveals the un-Photoshopped picture with an identifiable Moses Martin in Mickey Mouse ears.
So there we have it - the new euphemism for Photoshopping: "Left off".
Extra kudos to the Magazine team for the phrase "Moses Martin in Mickey Mouse ears", which sounds like a skipping rhyme for the Heat generation.