Surprisingly, The Sun doesn't appear to have found any space to share the news that - despite what Jess Rogers reported last week, Tulisa Contostavlos doesn't have swine flu at all.
There is room, though, for the latest Lily Allen attempts to parse the entire world. She's moved on to football, like some sort-of attention-seeking Adrian Chiles with lipstick:
Ashley [Cole] fares little better and is accused of “soiling” football.
The chart-topper seethes: “He is the worst, he disgusts me. He jumps on everything that moves.
“I am not criticising just to criticise, but I have met him several times. He is revolting.”
The entire British footballing establishment, it seems, isn’t up to the singer’s exacting standards.
She thunders: “It’s ridiculous, I hate it. Footballers aren’t there to show off in London, but to play football.
“Mind you, they are probably too stupid to understand that. Especially the English ones.”
Footballers, she concludes, “go out everywhere they can find alcohol for too much money and sex for nothing.”
You know, she has a point. It's about time footballers started to behave a little less like chart-topping female singers.
Elsewhere, Gordon raises an eyebrow at the friendship between Justin Hawkins and Rita Peachey. Because Rita is 72.
Ah, yes, Gordon. The very idea of someone younger spending time with somebody in their 70s is just inherently amusing, isn't it?