How can you make "Amy Winehouse is going to Miami" into a lead story? You can't, but Gordon will give it a go, nevertheless.
Let's just look at the glorious URL in full:
That's quite a web address.
In a bid to try and stretch the thin detail into something that will fill a hole, a "source" is conjured up to give Amy the possibility of a phantom pregnancy:
"All her friends are worried though. She has mentioned she might meet Blake when he leaves rehab in Sheffield.
"Even more worrying is the fact that she has been feeling broody. That would be the ultimate disaster - the spawn of Fielder-Civil."
The Sun is famously cold and unloving, but I think Gordon's made-up quote hits a new low even for that paper: it's condemning a child as an "ultimate disaster" not just before it's been born, not just before it's been conceived, but at the stage of it being a vague conceptual-but-unlikely possibility. I'm confused - what do you want the people of the village to actually burn, Gordon?
Meanwhile, Iceland have dumped Kerry Katona from their adverts, "fearing a backlash" from customers. Which would be understandable, had they not had her fronting commercials for the last four years of one drug-and-addling revelation after another. Iceland have issued a statement:
"We have been working with Kerry for four years.
"She has been a successful part of our advertising campaigns, but has also been through some tough times in her personal life.
"We have always stood by her. However, following the most recent allegations, we feel it is impossible for Kerry to continue to work with us.
"We will continue to try to ensure she gets the most appropriate support, should she require our assistance."
I wonder if that's a legally binding promise, and what sort of "appropriate support" Iceland would offer, given that their expertise is in freezing mini pizzas and discounting Arctic Rolls?
It's impossible to confirm that Iceland dropped Katona this time because they felt her use of a twenty pound note to sniff the cocaine was a distraction from their value message.