Apparently not realising that nearly everybody is Switzerland on this one, Gordon Smart asks us to pick sides in the Oasis split. Yes, it's time to decide...
... whoses side are you on? (Shouldn't that be "whomsese's side?")
It's not quite clear why we'd be choosing sides - I really hope there's not going to be a final conflict, with one side in cheap parkas and the other in overpriced Pretty Green leisurewear slacks - but Gordon seems to think we'll want to:
I WANT to know who YOU are backing in the Oasis break-up?
Backing to do what?
Are you in TEAM NOEL at this horrible time?
Horrible time? Admittedly, this article is pretty terrible, and the concept of the poll is a bit queasy, but I'm sure it'll be over soon, Gordon.
He is the chief songwriter and the brains behind their success.
Ah, yes. The master of selling old rope.
He's also a very funny man with a quip ready on any subject at any time.
It's a pity there's never been any evidence of this in public, with the wider world just seeing a man whose idea of wit is to say the first thing that arrives in his head, but shoutily. "I hope Alex James and Damon Albarn catch AIDS and die". That would be trademark wit.
He's the elder statesman of rock.
That might come as a surprise to anyone who was making rock in the 60s or 70s. Perhaps "the party chairman of Beatles cover bands"?
Vote Noel if you think Liam is to blame for the split.
Eh? Wasn't the vote to say who you were "backing" somehow, rather than voting for the person who isn't to blame for the split.
Is it the frontman's anger that has driven the pair apart? Should he have learned by now to keep a lid on it?
Hmm. Well, given that all your stories, Gordon, say Liam and Noel had a massive row because Liam was being a cock, that would seem to be a question which doesn't seem to have anything other a rhetorical aspect to it.
Oh, hang on... by "frontman", you appear to mean Noel. But isn't Liam the frontman, doing all the singing and all?
Or are you in TEAM LIAM? After all, the younger Gallagher is the voice and attitude behind Oasis.
There's been a voice behind Oasis? Like ventriloquism, you mean? Or have you dropped an "of" in that sentence?
Still, you're right - belligerent, fighting, wrong-headed, perpetually wounded and carrying self-belief without a bag to put it in - it's not like Noel could have done that on his own, is it?
The band would never have had such a massive live following without his on-stage persona.
Psst... I think Gordon had got this far through and realised that, effectively, since Noel could bore for England on his own, and the quality of singing isn't that important, Liam's biggest contribution to Oasis was balancing out the load on the private jets, and so he's desperately trying to find something to make him irreplaceable in the set-up.
Liam is one of the greatest frontmen of all time. You can't take your eyes off him when he's on form.
Shouldn't, rather than can't. In case he throws an ashtray at you.
Maybe you think Noel is just too old for rock 'n' roll.
So the vote now is who is the least-old member of Oasis? But wasn't being an elder statesman a good thing to be?
Vote Liam if you think he's keeping the rock flame alive.
So it's not a vote on who you're backing, or who you think is the one who is the one who wasn't the one responsible for the split, or the one you think is least likely to be over 40, but a poll on "who is keeping the rock flame alive", whatever that actually means? (Given the band have just cancelled a load of gigs, neither of them seem to be keeping anything alive, do they?)
Who played the bigger part in Oasis - Noel or Liam? You decide by voting, below.
Ah, so it's a poll on who was more important in the band, then. Not who keeps flames alives, is younger, isn't to blame, or who you're supporting in the split?
It is important, though, as the results will be verified by the Electoral Commission, and the winner offered a seat in David Cameron's first cabinet as "minister of what the young people like as far as we can tell".