Considering nobody expects much from The Sun's gossip column, somehow Gordon has managed to fail to even make the usual low bar this morning with an enormous piece about...
What is it about, exactly?
The story seems to be that The Sun has asked Arsenal if they'd let Jay-Z in for free, and the football team have said yes:
Club bigwigs contacted the rapper after reading in my pages that he is a big Arsenal fan.
I suppose at least four people are reading the column, then, Gordon.
I think the idea is meant to show how well-connected Gordon is, but frankly, it doesn't work - it's about as interesting as sitting in a pub listening to someone trying to blag their way in to something.
Mind you, it does generate this from Jay-Z:
He added: "The next time I'm playing in England I would like the Arsenal players to come and watch my gig and then come backstage afterwards.
"I know how hard professional sportsmen work so I want to offer an incentive for the guys."
I don't know what is more ridiculous - the idea that incredibly over-paid footballers need some extra incentive to do the fucking "job" they're paid to do, or that Jay-Z really thinks that going backstage to meet him at a pop gig is such a wonderful thing it's worth two extra goals at the very least.