Crime report: JLS swerve a drubbing

Ortise Williams, one of JLS, nearly got himself all beaten up. Or so he says, anyway:

, "It was quite unsettling. I was in Currys. I could tell a gang of guys was watching. Outside, they started muttering behind saying, 'Just grab him, mug him!' and daring each other on."

I'm sorry, surely the most fascinating thing about this is that he was in a branch of Currys. Perhaps checking they were still keeping his job open for him.

So, we're picturing a man in a branch of Currys, with a group gathering outside the shop window. Peeking past the kettles and washing machines. And then muttering threateningly behind him.

Whatever did you do, Ortise?

"I was on my own and thought, 'I have to do something.' So I charged up to them looking fierce and they looked a bit shocked. They stepped up and I ran away. I was shaking."

The trouble with this tale is that you've only got Ortise's word that the crowd were muttering anything. It sounds like he was already scared before he left the relative security of Currys, so maybe he just imagined that they were going to attack him?

In which case, what you'd be left with is a young pop star running up to a bunch of youths looking like he's going to punch them. And then turning and running away.

Not that he had to run away, of course. Oh no, he could have beaten them all up. If only he was allowed to:

"I like to think I can take care of myself. But management told me I can't practice martial arts now because I might damage my face. A black eye wouldn't look good."

No, a black eye probably wouldn't look good. But your rotten hat and back-to-front trousers doesn't look good, either.

I'm still puzzling over whether his management really has told him not to defend himself if he gets attacked. If that's true, it's surely only going to be a matter of time before they start suggesting he goes kite-flying near the national grid.

[Thanks to Michael M for the story]