Gordon in the morning: JLS for nothing

Back in the pre-internet age, before instant gratification was made a right under European Law, we would collect tokens from Smash Hits week after week, sending them off and waiting for some badges through the post. Innocent times.

Times to which Gordon is returning us, with his very own coupon-clipping offer. Of course, the present isn't anywhere near as good as a set of badges:

Collect four tokens which will be printed in The Sun starting tomorrow and send them with a stamped addressed envelope back to us for your chance to be in the 3,000-strong crowd for the exclusive Bizarre gig.

If you're under thirteen, the concept of "stamped addressed envelope" must surely be a foreign one. Perhaps next week Gordon's going to come up with a competition that uses the phrase "...or the back of a sealed-down envelope".

Still, it's quite a smart move to try and sell extra copies of the paper to that all-important tone-deaf pre-teen demographic that advertisers are always trying to chase.

Clearly, though, there are more than 3,000 JLS fans at the moment, and they can't all fit in the gig. What do you get then?

All entries will get an exclusive JLS lanyard along with signed pictures of the band, worth around £5 and not available from any other outlet.

If Gordon says a photo and a laminate on a string is worth "around £5", who are we to disbelieve him?

And that's not all.

Order now and Gordon will add in a mini nasal-hair clipper and free shipping...

Oh, hang on: it's not that:

You will be able to watch an exclusive JLS performance on your computer, thanks to amazing new technology which I'll be revealing in Bizarre tomorrow.

"It's called a webcamera and scientist believe that within twenty years, this technology could be used to broadcast music gigs direct to people's computers in their homes."