Apparently thinking this is some sort of good news, Gordon pants excitedly this morning:
MADONNA is moving back to London after rekindling her love for Britain.
It's less than a year since her Madgesty stuffed her leotards and conical bras in a bag and returned to New York while in a strop about her marriage to GUY RITCHIE going pear-shaped.
But now she's coming back to stay. Although not, obviously, to stay; not for so long that she'd have to start paying tax here. That would be ridiculous.
She's going to be filming her pointless Edward And Mrs Simpson remake here - and having spent three quarters of a column polishing the doorknobs because ma'am is returning, Gordon tries a little joke:
Madge is the BERNARD MATTHEWS of the film industry: Very good at producing turkeys.
Well, I did say he was trying a joke.