Those European Music Awards winners in full

Since they went to all the trouble of pretending to like Justin Beiber, the least we can do is bring you the MTV EMA winners list. If you're reading this in an office or other public place, please try and keep your howl of despair to yourself:

Best New Act
Ke$ha

Best Pop
Lady GaGa

Best Alternative
Paramore

Best Rock
30 Seconds To Mars

Best Male
Justin Beiber

Best Video
Katy Perry - California Gurls

Best Hip Hop
Eminem

Best Live Act
Linkin Park

Best Female
Lady GaGa

Best Song
Lady GaGa - Bad Romance

Best European Act
Marco Mengoni

Best Push Act (no, us, neither)
Justin Beiber

Best World Stage Performance
Tokio Hotel

It might be obvious to laud Lady GaGa, but at least you can see the performance. But Beiber? That's going to look embarrassing when looking back in two years.