Gordon in the morning: Somebody in this room is thief

Gordon's column is more or less a procession of people in skimpies today - for some reason, we get two stories about Fearne Cotton wearing a bikini. And the singer from Maroon 5 with his clothes off.

Apparently, the nude shoot is from Cosmo - of course it'd be something Gordon had read in a magazine - and is supposed to promote awareness of male cancers.

Yes, it's the perfect place to talk about male cancer, in a magazine read nearly exclusively by women and the odd man trying to fill his gossip column.

Given that everyone's heard of cancer, and most people would struggle to remember Maroon 5, I think you could safely argue that this isn't really using Maroon 5 raising awareness of cancer, but the other way round.

The success of this as a public health campaign is demonstrated by Gordon's vague reference to "male cancers" without any further mention of the supposed focus of the pictures. Mind you, it sounds like he was a bit distracted:

He showed off a toned torso and some pretty cool tatts in the photoshoot.

And his modesty was preserved by a pair of perfectly manicured female hands .

The owner of the fortuitous fingers is unknown, but she certainly got a unique view of the US rocker.

That lucky, lucky woman, eh, Gordon? Maybe you should ring up Adam and ask if he'll talk you through those tattoos, eh?

(By the way, they're not "pretty cool" tattoos at all - they're the same tigers-and-foreign-script that most nineteen year-old boys would get at a parlour if they'd unlimited funds and just consumed two bottles of Grolsch.)

Elsewhere, Liam Gallagher - you remember the 1990s, don't you? - is moaning about how Noel "robbed" him:

Liam said: "I've heard his new record 'cos I f****** sung on half of it. When I was in America for Dig Out Your Soul he swiped some off it because he obviously knew he wanted to do a solo album. So he can talk all the bullsh*t about, 'Oh, I was intimidated,' and all that. F***ing nonsense. Behave. He knows. The people know. And I know."

The people know. They just don't care, Liam. Stealing late-period Oasis songs? It'd be like pinching a pair of Pretty Green trousers - the moral wrong is surely outweighed by the sympathy you'd have to feel for the thief's lack of taste and judgement?