Gordon in the morning: What are you doing, Bear?

I know that times must be tough at Wapping right now, but... what the hell is this?

Apparently, Victoria Beckham has been eating a lot of Marmalade, so "deputy Bizarre editor" Lia Nicholls has had this made. It's meant to be Paddington, but with Beckham's face. Yes.

Surely the joke when you hear Victoria is eating lots of marmalade is "let's hope it doesn't make her skin permanently orange"?

Two days running now that the main story has been written by one of Gordon's underlings - perhaps he's on holiday. Or in a back room going through paperwork for whatever reason.

"Pregnant woman allegedly has craving" is a bit of a thin story - shredless, if you like - to spread over a lead, and even putting in a photo of a jar of marmalade doesn't fill the yawning hole. Lia battles on, though, trying to hit the word count:

She is among 40 per cent of expectant mothers who list "something sweet" as their number one food craving.

But this - and even a pedantic description of "English breakfast tea" accompanying the food - doesn't quite make it. In the end, she's reduced to this:

Meanwhile Tesco is trying to revive the popularity of marmalade by selling oranges so customers can make their OWN.

Recent research shows sales are falling as shoppers turn to sweeter alternatives like chocolate spread.

A spokesman said: "We want to maintain this fine breakfast tradition."

Now, you'll have spotted that in an earlier bid to fill the page, Lia suggested Posh was having a craving for sweet things, but here, she's saying that Posh's craving isn't actually that sweet at all.

Clearly, we should be relieved that Wapping have stopped getting their stories by hacking into people's phones and are now filling their gossip columns by recycling old grocery press releases.

In other 'news':

BEATLES legend PAUL MCCARTNEY tells comic JAMES CORDEN he's too FAT to go to Africa in Comic Relief's funniest-ever sketch.

Ha ha ha - you see, because James Corden is fat. That's why it's funny.

Of course, given that amongst the charities Comic Relief support are anti-bullying groups, you might wonder if building a sketch around someone being told they can't be part of the gang because they're "a bloater", "tubby" and greedy is actually that well thought-out - isn't that just making people who bully kids who are overweight think that it's okay?