Madonna sticks to the terrorism line, something something lizard people

Talking to The Guardian, Madonna has barely softened her claim that having her music leaked onto the internet was a form of terrorism:

Speaking to the Guardian on Sunday, the singer said she was “living in a state of terror” following the leak, adding that there was “a big possibility” they were the result of her personal computer being hacked.

“Obviously there is a person, or a group of people behind this that were essentially terrorising me. I don’t want to sound alarming, but certainly that’s how I felt. It’s one thing if someone comes into your house and steals a painting off your wall: that’s also a violation, but, your work, as an artist, that’s devastating.

“I’m an artistic person, I’m very expressive. I’m sorry if words alarm people, but that’s what it felt like. It was not a consensual agreement. I did not say ‘hey, here’s my music, and it’s finished.’ It was theft.”

Now, if she went simply with "theft", that'd be a fair description of what happened. But terrorism?

Talking at the end of a week when 140 people were killed for being at school, it would take an astonishing lack of understanding or compassion to try and make a case that simply having a few files lifted and dumped online was in any way comparable to that; would that all terrorism could be solved by simply bringing forward the presale date for an album, eh?

But having overbaked the leak, there's more grand claims lining up to be made:

Madonna unexpectedly released six tracks from Rebel Heart on iTunes, following the leak of the unfinished songs earlier in the week: the album itself is not due for release until March. She immediately reached No 1 in the iTunes chart in 36 countries, a situation she described as a miracle.

A miracle, no less. Not only do we have terrorism at one end of the scale, but the intercession of the almighty to make a popular artist able to sell music in quantities large enough to get to the top of a list of sales. Take that, Lazarus, if you thought you were the last word in miracles.

The only way this could get any more absurd would be if it turns out Madge is engaging with David Icke style conspiracy theories as well. But that'd be a step too far, right?

The six songs from Rebel Heart released thus far do not shy away from controversy: one, Illuminati, mocks the various conspiracy theories on the internet that implicate a variety of entertainers – including Jay-Z and Lady Gaga – in membership of a shadowy ruling elite.

“There’s a lot of talk in pop music right now about people saying, ‘Oh, this person’s a member of the Illuminati,’ or they’re Illuminati, or you’re Illuminati, and people’s idea that there’s a group of entertainers or very wealthy people, they’re referred to as the Illuminati, and they work behind the scenes and they control things and they’re very powerful, and there’s possibly a reference to something dark, or black magic, or something like that. And I have to say I laugh at all of those things.

“I think there are some people who don’t mind being referred to as that, but I know who the real Illuminati are, and where that word came from. The root of the word is “illuminate”, and that means “The enlightened ones”, and it came from the Age of Enlightenment, when a lot of arts and creativity flourished, from Shakespeare to Isaac Newton, to Leonardo Da Vinci, Michelangelo: the philosophers, artists, scientists were all engaged in a kind of high level of consciousness through their work, and they were enlightening and inspiring people around the world. And those are the true Illuminati. So the purpose for writing that song was really in a way, ‘So, if you think I’m the Illuminati, then thank you very much, a compliment, because I would like very much to be part of that group, the real Illuminati, and this is what it’s not’”.

Yeah, it's like one of those magic eye pictures; if you stare at those comments for a minute or two, an actual lizard will leap out of the screen at you. "I'm delighted to be part of the Illumnait because it's actually being like Shakespeare" is very much the Masonic "I know what you are but what am I" of comebacks.

Odd, though, that Madonna doesn't seem to think that the Illuminati might be behind the terror/miracle of her leaks and sales. Wake up, Madonna. Clearly the goat lizards are pulling your strings more than you realise.