15 Step: March

The one thing that might have been interesting about Five Seconds Of Summer isn't, while Justin Bieber wanted to cling to purity.

Ed Sheeran and Sam Smith had a weight loss contest, like they work in a office or something. But that wasn't the dullest pop story of the month. This was.

Noel Gallagher did the I don't want my kids talking like Ali G thing again; got a free pass on that again.

Shirley Manson didn't call Kanye West "the loudest clown in town", but Us magazine couldn't quite come to believe that and The Independent struggled with how memes work thinking Britney was writing them herself.


Armani insisted that Madonna didn't know how to use a cape safely. Britney, meanwhile, couldn't even cope with hair extensions.

A court decided that rape anthem Blurred Lines was ripped off Marvin Gaye, apart from the rape bits. Didn't stop Thicke from being invited to an HIV fundraiser.

James Bay is just a hat.

Conor McNicholas is getting Barclays to tweak its comms department a little. He might want to help out Toyota, who aren't that good at social.

Indiana legalised homophobia; Wilco shunned Indiana.

Someone out of Nuclear Hellfrost did something to Dimebag Darrell's grave, for no obvious reason.

ElectroVelvet were chosen to lose at Eurovision.

You know what was rare at Reading/Leeds? Women on stage, that's what. Some people thought that Glastobury's bill had too many Kanye Wests in it. And everyone except the council and promoters knew that T in the Park was in the wrong place.

Taylor Swift bought the perfect domain for hosting hardcore Taylor Swift porn, but won't be using it.

Madonna thought that it was unfair she was missing from Radio 1, but with less live music on the station, maybe her records will be needed to plug the gaps.

The World Health Organisation suggested, to protect your ears, you should only spend 28 seconds at any gig. Fewer, if it's Coldplay.

Closing: Holy Moly; Manchester Roadhouse

Launching: Tidal, the "artist owned" streaming service

Merging: Sparks and Franz Ferdinand

Quitting: Zayn Malik, and Iggy Azalea quits social media. For about ten seconds.

Resurrected: New Wave version Ministry

Returning: Daphne And Celeste

• Part of 15 Step
• February