Gordon in the morning: Didn't you do this yesterday?

Having spent yesterday slobbering - I think it was slobber - over Girls Aloud wearing PVC and leather in photos, today Gordon moves on and slobbers over Girls Aloud wearing PVC and leather in a video:

In it, CHERYL COLE, KIMBERLEY WALSH, SARAH HARDING, NADINE COYLE and NICOLA ROBERTS feature as S&M aliens, hurtling towards earth in their own meteorites.

Erm, no they're not. If they've made it to the Earth's atmosphere, they're in meteors; if they haven't, they're in comets. They'd only be in a meteorite if they'd stopped hurtling and had hit the surface.

They also don't look very S&M to me, either. Putting on some rubber knickers doesn't automatically make you into S&M; not only is Gordon confusing his space rocks, he seems to be having trouble with the difference between domination and fetish wear.

Still, Gordon isn't a science writer and there's no reason to assume he'd know about sex, but he does know about entertainment, right? So his coverage of Mel B investing in a French cinema channel to be carried on his master's satellite service will be spot-on, right?

Gallic cinema not being my forte...

Oh.

I got my art whizzes to come up with a prime example.

Aha. An amusing mock-up. You're not just going to cut out a picture of Mel B and stick in a still from a French movie, are you?

So here’s what Mel would look like in Sixties flick Belle De Jour alongside stars such as smoking hot CATHERINE DENEUVE.

Oh.

Hang about, though, Gordon - how about telling your readers a little about the film?

BILLIE PIPER’s hit TV series Secret Diary Of A Call Girl was loosely based on the classic flick, about a housewife who becomes a hooker.

Well, if by "loosely" you mean 'was based on a blog written by someone who used the film's name as nomme de plume', I suppose that's true. Although it might be stretching the concept of "based" somewhat.

Boy George "innocent" with photos to prove it

Boy George has responded to the kidnap claims by sending his brother Kevin out to appeal directly to the public:

Showing pictures of Carlsen, posing semi-naked in handcuffs and stilettos to reporters outside George's flat in Shoreditch, East London, 47-year-old Kevin said: "These were taken a month ago.

"The bloke has done a fair bit of modelling for our clothes shop, so how can what he said be true? George isn't at all annoyed at the allegations, in fact he thinks it's hilarious.

"Yeah, he was arrested, but the police are always going to follow it up when someone makes a complaint like that."

Now, there's obviously no way of knowing who's telling the truth, but the problem with Kevin's photo-waving is that, erm, it supports part of Auden Carlsen's stories (of fetish photo sessions) without actually contradicting them. Nor does "he's modeled for our shop" actually disprove the allegations in any way, does it? It's not like having done photos in your pants for a person automatically creates a impermeable barrier around you.