Man visits McDonalds; front pages held

Congratulations to the Western Telegraph, for no newspaper, surely, can be said to cover their patch in more depth than they do. Why, even Kian Egan going into a branch of McDonalds in Merlins Bridge is covered as a news story.

With eyewitness accounts, no less:

McDonald's customer care assistant Stephen Hughes said: “He was down visiting a Pembrokeshire attraction with his family.

“You hear all these myths about celebrities, but he was really down to earth and quite shy really.

“He was kind enough to pose for pictures with staff and customers.”

'You hear these myths about celebrities, but he really wasn't a diva. He didn't demand onion rings; he made no request to eat in a VIP area. He didn't even insist on getting Smurfs in his Happy Meal.

You hear these myths about celebrities, but he didn't embark on twelve tasks requiring superhuman effort while he was here. He didn't arrive on a winged horse and - although I didn't watch him the whole time - he didn't appear to change shape into a swan or a bull and have his way with all and sundry.

You hear these myths about celebrities, but he ingested his burger by biting off chunks, chewing it in his normal-sized mouth, swallowing and then using stomach acids to break down the meat and bread to allow his body to absorb the nutrients.'

The best thing about this story, though, is that I don't need to worry about trying to find a punchline, because Stephen delivers his own:

Stephen added just a few weeks ago they were pretty sure they had Boyzone’s Keith Duffy in the restaurant.

Gordon in the morning: Print this out, keep it in your wallet

I'm not sure that an interview with Gordon Smart can form a legally binding contract, but let's cling to the possibility:

THOSE wooden stools can now officially be turned into sawdust – DA LOIFE say they will never return as a band following their farewell tour.

Oh, by the way, the dodgy "Loife" isn't actually the worst of Smart's lapse into clumsy Irish stereotyping - Alan Smartridge, if you will:

The lads have ruled out doing a Take That-style comeback in years to come.

Even if they were offered all the potatoes in Ireland. That's it.

Let's just be thankful he managed to get through the piece without mentioning horses on council estates.

Being Smart, he doesn't actually have a quote which backs up his claim, instead offering this:

Kian Egan said: "We walked away from a multi-million-pound record deal that would have changed our lives for ever, secured our future beyond anything.

"It's not about the money. We'd have made far more on a new record than we ever would with a comeback tour."

That's not quite the same thing as saying there will never be a return, though, is it?

The real worry is that there's now going to be lots of them making records:

Shane said: "The first person to decide to do a solo record, the other three will all be there."

You do know that's not quite how "solo" works, don't you, Shane?