It's not eulogy, it's me: Nadine Dorries

Whoever would have thought that Nadine Dorries would feel the need to share her views on the death of Michael Jackson? After all:

I wasn’t a Michael fan...

but?

... but for years I have been uncomfortable with the way he was torn apart by the media.

Ah, so this isn't really a memorial, but instead is a chance to bang on about how terrible the media is:

Why would any young person want to aspire to be anyone or anything, if arriving means having your creativity overlooked, in favour of every aspect of your life which has nothing to do with your work, becoming journalist fodder?

Yes, every aspect of your life, which has nothing to do with your work. Like the fact you invite children to sleep in your bed when there are no other adults around, perhaps. Or maybe you're thinking of reports on how you only spend weekends and holidays in what you claim is your main home?

Still, Nadine isn't just banging on about this - she is something of an expert in matters Jackson:

For a generation, both broadcast and written media have failed to produce or say almost anything positive regarding Michael Jackson.

For years he has been written about as a child abuser, a recluse, a whacko and just about any other unpleasant adjective any journalist could muster up.

Yes, curse those journalists making up the court case which revealed ill-advised and unsettling relationships with children. That damn media inventing a massive mysterious payment which made another allegation go away. How dare the papers have made up with stories about him dangling a child over a balcony for no other reason than, erm, it happened in front of cameras? Or colluded with Jackson's deliberate projection of an eccentric personality, with the face-mask and oxygen tent stories? Or keeping of a monkey? Or building a fairground in his home, named after the place where Peter Pan played with fairies? How dare they, eh?

But what of Dorries' first claim, that the media have failed to "produce or say almost anything positive" for "a generation"?

Perhaps Mid-Bedfordshire doesn't get many newspapers or television channels, or maybe Dorries has had the misfortune to only catch the knocking copy. But just last year the 25th anniversary of Thriller saw journalists eager to join in with what was essentially a marketing campaign for a rereleased record, throwing around the title King Of Pop like it was a genuine honorific - you might have thought Dorries would at least have spotted that? Or the fawning coverage of his announcement of 50 nights at the O2?

Still, perhaps its better for us all if Dorries brings her, erm, knowledge and wisdom to bear on matters of pop culture rather than bungling about in politics.

If David Van Day is the answer, how bad can the question be?

The horrific results of the expenses scandal are now being played out in something approaching real-time. Cameron is taking the chance to slide out as many of his Tory opponents as possible (his wisteria clipping isn't a case for resubmitting his application, but if you don't agree with him and had some gardening done on the public purse, you better start looking for a different career). And now, with Rantzen already eying up Luton South, we brace ourselves for well-meaning, duff celebs hoping that the Commons might just be as good at reviving careers as eating grubs in the jungle.

Yes, David Van Day is pondering standing against Nadine Dorries in Mid-Bedfordshire.

It says something about what a fright Dorries is that David Van Day seems like a credible replacement. But surely - if the good people of Mid-Beds really crave change - they need someone who isn't a self-publicising thought vacuum?

[Thanks to @bloggerheads]