If David Van Day is the answer, how bad can the question be?

The horrific results of the expenses scandal are now being played out in something approaching real-time. Cameron is taking the chance to slide out as many of his Tory opponents as possible (his wisteria clipping isn't a case for resubmitting his application, but if you don't agree with him and had some gardening done on the public purse, you better start looking for a different career). And now, with Rantzen already eying up Luton South, we brace ourselves for well-meaning, duff celebs hoping that the Commons might just be as good at reviving careers as eating grubs in the jungle.

Yes, David Van Day is pondering standing against Nadine Dorries in Mid-Bedfordshire.

It says something about what a fright Dorries is that David Van Day seems like a credible replacement. But surely - if the good people of Mid-Beds really crave change - they need someone who isn't a self-publicising thought vacuum?

[Thanks to @bloggerheads]

David Van Day is not an animal, he is an 80s star

David Van Day, out of Dollar and Bucks Fizz but mainly Dollar, had to go into hiding because he was so hideous:

But the 52-year-old thought he looked so ugly after the facelift that he barred his two daughters from looking at his face.

Olivia, 16, and Amber, 12, had to wait eight weeks before they could see their father.

He said: "My head was the size of a TV and I don't want them to see what it was like."

The key word is "facelift", as this was after he went on Living TV's Pop Goes The Band, where acts for whom the nostalgia circuit work has dried up have their dignity removed on television. His normal face, and his post facelift face, was apparently acceptable viewing for his children.

You might have thought that a sixteen year old would be more than capable of understanding the after-effects of a facelift, and might be happier to see them than go two months without seeing their Dad, but all families are different.

I suppose it's just lucky Pete Burns never had kids, isn't it?

For David Van Day, fame bleeds

Poor old David Van Day - even when people give him the adulation he yearns for, it hurts: someone jumped on him so enthusiastically, his head got ripped off its shoulders. Sorry, that should be "ripped open":

Singer David Van Day was left with blood pouring from his head after being jumped on by a female fan.

The Dollar and Bucks Fizz front man, from Brighton, fell into an aeroplane after the woman threw herself at him while he was filming a new makeover series at an airfield in Essex.

The blow opened a gash in the 52-year-old's head.

It's hard to believe that Van Day is making a makeover programme. Surely, David - apart from your unsightly gash - you're perfect already?

UPDATE: I've only just processed the slightly-alarmist headline the Argus slapped on the story:

Brighton celebrity injured in airfield accident

- which surely throws up images of the R101 rather than someone falling over under the weight of a fan?

ITV own your brains

Some somewhat alarming news for the celebrities - and David Van Day and Timmy Mallet - down in the wilds of ITV. Cerys Matthews is suggesting they check their contracts:

"Anything written in the jungle belongs to ITV. It's in the contract," she told ITV2's I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here Now. "David and Timmy think it could be a Christmas Number One but the money will go to ITV."

Presumably this is a little snare that ITV added in after Insania; but it makes you wonder who would be so foolish as to sign a contract which would strip away their rights like that? I'm A Celebrity With A Rotten Agent Get Me Out Of Here...

Back in denim: Shakin' Stevens corrupted youths

Poland is poised to ban mentioning homosexuality in schools as part of the nation's attempt to turn itself into some sort of Thatcherite dreamland. Education minister Roman Giertych is behind this latter-day Clause 28:

Mr Giertych, the leader of the ultra-conservative League of Polish Families, a junior coalition partner in the government of prime minister Jaroslaw Kaczynski, said the aim of the proposed law would be to "prohibit the promotion of homosexuality and other deviance".

Mr Giertych said: "One must limit homosexual propaganda so that children won't have an improper view of family."

But what is homosexual propaganda? What must the Polish sexpolice be looking for?

To judge by Matt Lucas, all posters of Shakin' Stevens must go. Apparently, it was photos of the denim-clad Welshman which turned him:

“The first time I’d an inkling I was gay was looking at that picture when I was seven.

“I said to my friend Michael, ‘Don’t you think sometimes men are handsome’? I didn’t think much of it at the time — I thought both girls and boys were attractive.

“I’m sure the thoughts weren’t sexual, but there was something there."

Of course, modern-day British Conservatives aren't afraid of gay men any more, are they?

Well, apart from David Van Day, of course. Yes, the one out of Dollar and Bucks Fizz. He's managed to piss off the whole of Brighton's gay community - a problem, when you're running for a seat as a Tory councillor:

Mr Van Day, 50, told guests a gay choir invited to sing at the event would "bend over backwards for anybody" but that he did not want to be "behind them at the time".

He's not exactly apologetic, either:

But a defiant Mr Van Day told The Argus: "It's sad that some people are being so sensitive over what is a joke. Are they offended by Four Poofs and a Piano, Jonathan Ross's band?

"People make jokes about my height everyday and if I was as sensitive as these people acted I would go and live under a stone."

But David, there's a world of difference about being the butt of jokes because you're a little man, and someone running for public office making anal sex jokes in the faces of a group of people working charity.

Still, David Cameron's all new Tory party won't stand for this sort of behaviour from its candidates, right? Especially after eight complaints of misconduct were made against sitting Tory councillor Peter Willows after he compared gays with paedophiles just last December?

Er...

But the council's Tory group last night stood by Mr Van Day and insisted he would remain its candidate for the East Brighton ward in May's local elections.

Still, at least David wouldn't want to try and argue that he's the victim, or that he can't be gay because he's got gay frien... oh...

"I have probably done every Gay Pride there is in the UK and any inference about being homophobic is absolutely quite ridiculous. I was told these jokes by gay people.

I'm very angry about this.

"What about all the mother-in- law jokes or my wife' jokes?

If people are so sensitive and can't laugh at their own sexuality it's a sad indictment on that person.

"Where does it all stop? Will there be no laughter?"

Actually, David, mother-in-law jokes died out pretty much in the 1980s, what with them being sexist and all.

Odd, though, with VanDay telling the Argus that he doesn't see what the problem is, the party takes a different line:

Conservative group leader Brian Oxley said: "David has now apologised and we regard the matter as closed."

"Will there be no laughter" seems a pretty odd way of saying "I'm sorry", doesn't it?

Of course, the irony is that back when I was a young boy, I had a poster of Dollar with David in a lovely white singlet which made me feel a little Shakin' Stevens. Like the man said: Mirror, Mirror, Mon Amour.