David Van Day is not an animal, he is an 80s star

David Van Day, out of Dollar and Bucks Fizz but mainly Dollar, had to go into hiding because he was so hideous:

But the 52-year-old thought he looked so ugly after the facelift that he barred his two daughters from looking at his face.

Olivia, 16, and Amber, 12, had to wait eight weeks before they could see their father.

He said: "My head was the size of a TV and I don't want them to see what it was like."

The key word is "facelift", as this was after he went on Living TV's Pop Goes The Band, where acts for whom the nostalgia circuit work has dried up have their dignity removed on television. His normal face, and his post facelift face, was apparently acceptable viewing for his children.

You might have thought that a sixteen year old would be more than capable of understanding the after-effects of a facelift, and might be happier to see them than go two months without seeing their Dad, but all families are different.

I suppose it's just lucky Pete Burns never had kids, isn't it?

Pete Burns will be delighted: Boy George follows his lead

In these times, news of the formerly rich in serious financial difficulties isn't published first in the London Gazette. Oh, no: the first sign of financial stress of the famous is signing up for a fly on the wall series on Living TV. Like what Boy George has done.

Also tucked into the winter schedule for the channel which has come far - oh, so far - since it used a nice cup of tea as its logo - is this:

Living is also airing Pop Goes the Band, in which bands including Bucks Fizz, Dollar, Cleopatra, 911, Shakatak and Visage, will be "restored to their former glory through strenuous fitness regimes, painful cosmetic and in some cases, major plastic surgery".

Those last three words turn a bit of harmless fun into something a bit sinister. And we'd have thought for a couple of those bands - notably Bucks Fizz and Dollar - it'd be less about teeth whitening and more about relationship counselling wouldn't it.

Still, it'll be interesting to watch 911 trying to reclaim their glory days - although how Living will recreate that Thursday and Friday back in 1997 isn't clear. And making Cleopatra look like they did when they were successful - and about twelve years old - is going to be a challenge, too.

Quick! There's a market developing for diamond-encrusted gold knuckle-dusters in the shape of Euros

More bad news for the US economy: the dollar is now so weak, Jay Z is waving Euros in his new video:

He is seen cruising the streets of New York in Bentleys and Rolls Royces (now owned by Germany's Volkswagen and BMW) with a briefcase of 500 euro notes.

Apparently, Russian plutocrats are now touring the US swapping back the jeans they'd got when Americans used them as currency behind the Communist-era Iron Curtain.

Back in denim: Shakin' Stevens corrupted youths

Poland is poised to ban mentioning homosexuality in schools as part of the nation's attempt to turn itself into some sort of Thatcherite dreamland. Education minister Roman Giertych is behind this latter-day Clause 28:

Mr Giertych, the leader of the ultra-conservative League of Polish Families, a junior coalition partner in the government of prime minister Jaroslaw Kaczynski, said the aim of the proposed law would be to "prohibit the promotion of homosexuality and other deviance".

Mr Giertych said: "One must limit homosexual propaganda so that children won't have an improper view of family."

But what is homosexual propaganda? What must the Polish sexpolice be looking for?

To judge by Matt Lucas, all posters of Shakin' Stevens must go. Apparently, it was photos of the denim-clad Welshman which turned him:

“The first time I’d an inkling I was gay was looking at that picture when I was seven.

“I said to my friend Michael, ‘Don’t you think sometimes men are handsome’? I didn’t think much of it at the time — I thought both girls and boys were attractive.

“I’m sure the thoughts weren’t sexual, but there was something there."

Of course, modern-day British Conservatives aren't afraid of gay men any more, are they?

Well, apart from David Van Day, of course. Yes, the one out of Dollar and Bucks Fizz. He's managed to piss off the whole of Brighton's gay community - a problem, when you're running for a seat as a Tory councillor:

Mr Van Day, 50, told guests a gay choir invited to sing at the event would "bend over backwards for anybody" but that he did not want to be "behind them at the time".

He's not exactly apologetic, either:

But a defiant Mr Van Day told The Argus: "It's sad that some people are being so sensitive over what is a joke. Are they offended by Four Poofs and a Piano, Jonathan Ross's band?

"People make jokes about my height everyday and if I was as sensitive as these people acted I would go and live under a stone."

But David, there's a world of difference about being the butt of jokes because you're a little man, and someone running for public office making anal sex jokes in the faces of a group of people working charity.

Still, David Cameron's all new Tory party won't stand for this sort of behaviour from its candidates, right? Especially after eight complaints of misconduct were made against sitting Tory councillor Peter Willows after he compared gays with paedophiles just last December?

Er...

But the council's Tory group last night stood by Mr Van Day and insisted he would remain its candidate for the East Brighton ward in May's local elections.

Still, at least David wouldn't want to try and argue that he's the victim, or that he can't be gay because he's got gay frien... oh...

"I have probably done every Gay Pride there is in the UK and any inference about being homophobic is absolutely quite ridiculous. I was told these jokes by gay people.

I'm very angry about this.

"What about all the mother-in- law jokes or my wife' jokes?

If people are so sensitive and can't laugh at their own sexuality it's a sad indictment on that person.

"Where does it all stop? Will there be no laughter?"

Actually, David, mother-in-law jokes died out pretty much in the 1980s, what with them being sexist and all.

Odd, though, with VanDay telling the Argus that he doesn't see what the problem is, the party takes a different line:

Conservative group leader Brian Oxley said: "David has now apologised and we regard the matter as closed."

"Will there be no laughter" seems a pretty odd way of saying "I'm sorry", doesn't it?

Of course, the irony is that back when I was a young boy, I had a poster of Dollar with David in a lovely white singlet which made me feel a little Shakin' Stevens. Like the man said: Mirror, Mirror, Mon Amour.