Where in the world are the 3AM Girls

We're sure cash-strapped Trinity Mirror will be delighted that they've flown the 3AM girls out to Coachella, meaning that this morning's column is full of reports filed with the exciting byline:

"3AM at the COACHELLA music festival, California"

Amongst the stories being filed from sunny California are:

Natasha Bedingfield plays GAY in London
Madonna goes to Claridges, in London, with a rubbish new haircut
Matt Lucas goes to a restaurant in London
and
The Arctic Monkeys album goes to number one. In the UK.

Money well spent hauling them halfway across the world, then.

The Daily Mail gets to grips with youth culture

As he's currently number one - there's nothing we can do about that - it does bring Matt Lucas comfortably into our remit and allows us to applaud the Mail's sure grip on modern entertainment, as it tops off a not-at-all unnewsworthy photos of Lucas waiting for a taxi with a headline based on a popular TV comedy show catchphrase.

Unfortunately, 'am I bovvered' is Catherine Tate, not Little Britain.

Back in denim: Shakin' Stevens corrupted youths

Poland is poised to ban mentioning homosexuality in schools as part of the nation's attempt to turn itself into some sort of Thatcherite dreamland. Education minister Roman Giertych is behind this latter-day Clause 28:

Mr Giertych, the leader of the ultra-conservative League of Polish Families, a junior coalition partner in the government of prime minister Jaroslaw Kaczynski, said the aim of the proposed law would be to "prohibit the promotion of homosexuality and other deviance".

Mr Giertych said: "One must limit homosexual propaganda so that children won't have an improper view of family."

But what is homosexual propaganda? What must the Polish sexpolice be looking for?

To judge by Matt Lucas, all posters of Shakin' Stevens must go. Apparently, it was photos of the denim-clad Welshman which turned him:

“The first time I’d an inkling I was gay was looking at that picture when I was seven.

“I said to my friend Michael, ‘Don’t you think sometimes men are handsome’? I didn’t think much of it at the time — I thought both girls and boys were attractive.

“I’m sure the thoughts weren’t sexual, but there was something there."

Of course, modern-day British Conservatives aren't afraid of gay men any more, are they?

Well, apart from David Van Day, of course. Yes, the one out of Dollar and Bucks Fizz. He's managed to piss off the whole of Brighton's gay community - a problem, when you're running for a seat as a Tory councillor:

Mr Van Day, 50, told guests a gay choir invited to sing at the event would "bend over backwards for anybody" but that he did not want to be "behind them at the time".

He's not exactly apologetic, either:

But a defiant Mr Van Day told The Argus: "It's sad that some people are being so sensitive over what is a joke. Are they offended by Four Poofs and a Piano, Jonathan Ross's band?

"People make jokes about my height everyday and if I was as sensitive as these people acted I would go and live under a stone."

But David, there's a world of difference about being the butt of jokes because you're a little man, and someone running for public office making anal sex jokes in the faces of a group of people working charity.

Still, David Cameron's all new Tory party won't stand for this sort of behaviour from its candidates, right? Especially after eight complaints of misconduct were made against sitting Tory councillor Peter Willows after he compared gays with paedophiles just last December?

Er...

But the council's Tory group last night stood by Mr Van Day and insisted he would remain its candidate for the East Brighton ward in May's local elections.

Still, at least David wouldn't want to try and argue that he's the victim, or that he can't be gay because he's got gay frien... oh...

"I have probably done every Gay Pride there is in the UK and any inference about being homophobic is absolutely quite ridiculous. I was told these jokes by gay people.

I'm very angry about this.

"What about all the mother-in- law jokes or my wife' jokes?

If people are so sensitive and can't laugh at their own sexuality it's a sad indictment on that person.

"Where does it all stop? Will there be no laughter?"

Actually, David, mother-in-law jokes died out pretty much in the 1980s, what with them being sexist and all.

Odd, though, with VanDay telling the Argus that he doesn't see what the problem is, the party takes a different line:

Conservative group leader Brian Oxley said: "David has now apologised and we regard the matter as closed."

"Will there be no laughter" seems a pretty odd way of saying "I'm sorry", doesn't it?

Of course, the irony is that back when I was a young boy, I had a poster of Dollar with David in a lovely white singlet which made me feel a little Shakin' Stevens. Like the man said: Mirror, Mirror, Mon Amour.