Eurovision 2013: Britain's chances get a little better

Mostly driven by the fear of what it would cost if they won, countries are starting to pull out of next year's Eurovision Song Contest.

Portugal and Poland have both said they won't turn up; Greece and Cyprus are making noises which suggest they might not have the cash to be part of it. That they've only managed one win between all four nations might suggest the fear of an expensive win might be a little misplaced. But even the costs of taking part are proving something of a barrier.

Portugal, interestingly, sat out in 1970 on some sort of moral principle after the first prize had been shared by four countries the year before.

A day with the Jesuses: Jesus Chrysler Suicide

It's a pun too far, isn't it? Jesus Chrysler would have just about worked, but 'Suicide' pushes it too much.

They're from Poland, and, erm, have clearly written their own Last FM biography:

Music critics immediately spotted huge potential resting in the band. As a result “Romp” received great reviews. Meanwhile the band was giving concerts all over the country among which the one with Life of Agony and Pro-Pain became particularly memorable. In 1995 the group`s second album “SCHIZOVIRUS” appeared to be a breakthrough in the band`s career. It was a huge step forward towards the more intriguing and more original sounds.

In their mind, they're The Cult; but they're really like Zodiac Mindwarp forgetting it was meant to be fun:



Jesus Chrysler Suicide get an X-Factor of 4.

[Part of a Day With The Jesuses]

Back in denim: Shakin' Stevens corrupted youths

Poland is poised to ban mentioning homosexuality in schools as part of the nation's attempt to turn itself into some sort of Thatcherite dreamland. Education minister Roman Giertych is behind this latter-day Clause 28:

Mr Giertych, the leader of the ultra-conservative League of Polish Families, a junior coalition partner in the government of prime minister Jaroslaw Kaczynski, said the aim of the proposed law would be to "prohibit the promotion of homosexuality and other deviance".

Mr Giertych said: "One must limit homosexual propaganda so that children won't have an improper view of family."

But what is homosexual propaganda? What must the Polish sexpolice be looking for?

To judge by Matt Lucas, all posters of Shakin' Stevens must go. Apparently, it was photos of the denim-clad Welshman which turned him:

“The first time I’d an inkling I was gay was looking at that picture when I was seven.

“I said to my friend Michael, ‘Don’t you think sometimes men are handsome’? I didn’t think much of it at the time — I thought both girls and boys were attractive.

“I’m sure the thoughts weren’t sexual, but there was something there."

Of course, modern-day British Conservatives aren't afraid of gay men any more, are they?

Well, apart from David Van Day, of course. Yes, the one out of Dollar and Bucks Fizz. He's managed to piss off the whole of Brighton's gay community - a problem, when you're running for a seat as a Tory councillor:

Mr Van Day, 50, told guests a gay choir invited to sing at the event would "bend over backwards for anybody" but that he did not want to be "behind them at the time".

He's not exactly apologetic, either:

But a defiant Mr Van Day told The Argus: "It's sad that some people are being so sensitive over what is a joke. Are they offended by Four Poofs and a Piano, Jonathan Ross's band?

"People make jokes about my height everyday and if I was as sensitive as these people acted I would go and live under a stone."

But David, there's a world of difference about being the butt of jokes because you're a little man, and someone running for public office making anal sex jokes in the faces of a group of people working charity.

Still, David Cameron's all new Tory party won't stand for this sort of behaviour from its candidates, right? Especially after eight complaints of misconduct were made against sitting Tory councillor Peter Willows after he compared gays with paedophiles just last December?

Er...

But the council's Tory group last night stood by Mr Van Day and insisted he would remain its candidate for the East Brighton ward in May's local elections.

Still, at least David wouldn't want to try and argue that he's the victim, or that he can't be gay because he's got gay frien... oh...

"I have probably done every Gay Pride there is in the UK and any inference about being homophobic is absolutely quite ridiculous. I was told these jokes by gay people.

I'm very angry about this.

"What about all the mother-in- law jokes or my wife' jokes?

If people are so sensitive and can't laugh at their own sexuality it's a sad indictment on that person.

"Where does it all stop? Will there be no laughter?"

Actually, David, mother-in-law jokes died out pretty much in the 1980s, what with them being sexist and all.

Odd, though, with VanDay telling the Argus that he doesn't see what the problem is, the party takes a different line:

Conservative group leader Brian Oxley said: "David has now apologised and we regard the matter as closed."

"Will there be no laughter" seems a pretty odd way of saying "I'm sorry", doesn't it?

Of course, the irony is that back when I was a young boy, I had a poster of Dollar with David in a lovely white singlet which made me feel a little Shakin' Stevens. Like the man said: Mirror, Mirror, Mon Amour.