Let's all think about Rod Stewart having sex

It's too late now. The thought is there.

Apparently, Penny Lancaster's been talking about how Rod does it:

The 'Do Ya Think I'm Sexy' rocker may be 68, but he's still got the right moves in bed to please his wife, Penny Lancaster, 42.

Yeah, ContactMusic quoting National Enquirer. Your cock doesn't fall over when you reach 57. Who knew?

Penny reportedly told a friend: ''Rod's voracious! I knew he was a ladies man, but he usually tires me out!''

Nobody has ever said anything like that to a friend ever. That's not how people talk about fucking when they're with their mates. And nobody, outside of letters to porn magazines which were made up anyway, talks like that, ever, at any time.

The source said: ''Rod wrote a song about Penny called 'She Makes Me Happy' and two or three times a month he'll have the nanny watch the boys so he can whisk her off for a romantic night out. Sometimes they'll just take a walk on the beach, but other times he'll treat her to a lovely dinner followed by a night of passion in a hotel.''

Once every ten-to-fifteen days isn't really voracious, is it? Also, at their age, having a slap-up dinner followed by slap-and-tickle is just going to end up with a fumbling for the Pepcid.

The source added reformed ladies' man Rod - who has eight kids with five women - can't believe his luck and would never even think of cheating on his beautiful wife.

Hang about, though; this is meant to be Penny's mate, isn't it? Did Penny really say "Rod would never dream of cheating on his beautiful wife i.e. me?"

And what, exactly, is there to say?

We couldn't pretend to be surprised that the News of the World thinks a murky long-lens shot of Rod Stewart kissing Penny Lancaster's nipple is 'news' - man kisses wife intimately - but we're beyond confused as to why they think this is necessary:

HAVE YOUR SAY HERE

What sort of debate do they actually expect to be generating here? "I rckn rod sld hv strtd wth teh other nipple"?

Gordon in the morning: The end of the Spice affair

And this would be the official end of the Spice Girls reunion: The Sun has called an end to the fawning. Even Gordon - who a couple weeks back was still full-on-fawning - has decided he no longer needs to treat the band with kid gloves any more. Indeed, the discovery of a tongue-in-cheek remake of Oleta Adam's Get Here (only with 'fuck' rather than 'get') allows him to reopen the paper's hostilities with Mel B:

I’ve said before that Scary Spice is indistinguishable from her foul-mouthed Bo’ Selecta! character — and those lyrics have those fat fingers all over them.

Charming.

Gordon, it turns out, has always hated the way the Spice Girls are just so rude:

They’d better just hope it doesn’t fall into the wrong hands. Not that these girls seem to give a XXXX these days.

Their tour tested the definition of a family show.

Yes - like, erm, when you were sat chuckling while they did gags about your cock onstage, you mean, Gordon?

Thank God we can rely on Gordon to keep up standards of family entertainment, panting over Penny Lancaster not wearing a bra and Britney Spears wearing a bra. It's hard to imagine where the Spice Girls get it from, isn't it?

Rod marries again

In the midst of "footballers marry en masse" (has the FA started to turn itself into some of Moonie-style mass-marriage cult?), Rod Stewart's wedding in Portofino nearly slipped by unnoticed.

Penny Lancaster is now the third Mrs. Stewart.

Portofino. I know.

At least it wasn't I Can See For Miles

How charming of Rod Stewart to dedicate a song to Penny Lancaster during a charity event, just two weeks before she becomes the latest Mrs. Stewart.

Of course, doing a cover of The Way You Look Tonight at a fundraiser for the Royal National Institute For The Blind might be just a little insensitive.

[Thanks to Franco for the link]

Secrets, secrets

Rod Stewart and Penny Lancaster are, apparently, planning to get married - it's all a big secret. In fact, says Victoria Newton:

are such a closely guarded secret, even family members don’t know where the ceremony will be.

Newton, of course, has no truck with surprises:

I can put them all out of their misery — it is going to be on an Italian island in mid-June and the smart money is on Capri.

Of course, people will note that she's semi-guessing, and we know Newton's track record with intuition.