This time, the beard will stay on

Sorry, we meant "bride"; what a nasty mistyping. Yes, apparently pissed off that Rachel Hunter has buggered off, Robbie Williams is now looking for a wife.

Apparently, the irritating twit told the Daily Mirror he's been hanging out in singles clubs in America, which is an image we cherish, as it reminds us of nothing so much as Dear John when the forgotten pop star (played by the bloke who went on to be Tosh in The Bill) was convinced that everyone would remember him - we'd quite like to see Robbie singing 'You know that I love you/ think the world of you/ so don't break my heart this way/ not on my birthday.'

On the other hand, his desperate bids to convince us that he's a suave, worldly figure who clicks with the chicks, while really leading an empty, desperate life at his mother's house might make him a bit more like the serie's Kirk StMoritz. Then again, Ralph, the turtle-loving sadsack also has Williams features - his stage act consisted of playing the same record over and over again, reading out phrases from a piece of paper he'd hoped would show him to be cool. It's hard to choose.

Anyway, we're going to bring you the Williams' quotes with no further comment here, as the chances are you'll work out when to puke for yourselves:

"I'm currently in the mode of looking for Mrs Williams, not Mrs Right now, but I don't actually know a lot of people in LA.

"The LA culture isn't weird for me at all because I stopped drinking a while ago. It's great for me, there's a great coffee culture. So me and a couple of mates just go trawling around bars or the cinema.

"That's where Mrs Right now comes by and says 'Hi'. I'm currently like, 'Free Single Pop Star, Straight Acting, Needs Wife'."

Robbie says he may even settle down with an American girl. "Marrying an American might be the end of the bride search. But not for a green card. I think I have an exceptional talent so I'm alright there. But the talent does help in the search, somewhere in the relationship when I've got to know them really well."

Hmmm. Mind you, the Daily Mirror seem to think that its news that the giant cat-napping mice from the Levis advert are done with digital technology. Are Mirror readers so dim they'd have been thinking a breed of giant people-mice were walking the land?

Publicity whores publicise split

We hate to have to break it to you, but it's true. The mutually self-serving relationship between Rachel Hunter and Robbie Williams and The Sun and The Mirror has come to an end.

Rachel confirmed the split in this week's Hello: "It's true, we've broken up. We'll both remain firmly in the papers, but it became increasingly difficult to carry on the publicity when we hardly even met. Sometimes we'd be in different countries, which can make getting together for something as simple as a faked paparazzi shot almost impossible. In the end, we decided the best idea would be to move on to other stooge dates as we both needed different things: I needed to keep a profile despite not actually having any talent or anything to offer; Robbie is just looking for a moderately attractive woman he can hang about with to stop people whispering that he's clearly gay."

Best served cold

Oh, Rod Stewart knows how to have a laugh. Asked about Robbie Williams getting off with Rachel Hunter, Rod's not bitter. In fact, he wishes the pair well.

"I think [Williams] is similar to me when I was younger."

And the future for you was one of dropping sales, lapses into self-parody, drunken pointlessness and a slightly seedy air of embarrassing naffness topped with a pisspoor collection of cover versions intended to display your versatility but actually making it clear that once you step from your tightly drawn millieu, you're as lost as a principled man in the White House.

Oh, Rod, you'd be giving Robbie Williams nightmares had he not caught you up already.