DO YOU GET MATERNITY RIGHTS IN A POP GROUP?: Last Thursday, Kerry Katona was trilling away to the Liverpool Echo about how - like The Spice Girls - she was planning on returning to work with Atomic Kitten after she'd given birth to the spawn of the devil Westlife baby she's currently impregnated with. Yesterday, it was announced that she was leaving the band and - in a move not unlike letsbuyit.com inviting Miss Boo onto the management team - one of the surplus members of Precious will be taking her place. New Kitten will be Jenny Frost, a "friend of Prince Andrew", apparently. Not since The Three Degrees had their career buggered by being labelled Charles Windsor's favourite act has there been such a dismal trio/royal crossover.
Music365 reports - "the bubbly scouser hopes for a career in TV" - so, erm, why won't you return to your old job?

REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL: Kristen Hersh is coming back to Britain, and theres a whole new album.
Pixies Bsides compilation album thingy
Ladytron out on tour supporting Soulwax
Hilary Wood's black hair

HMM, THE PHRASE "SUDDENLY AVAILABLE" RESONATES: Nicole Appleton and Kate "what was all that about?" Thornton are at the forefront of BBC3, it seems, doing a travel series set in Canada. Looks like BBC is going to be the BBC's version of Canada itself - clean, fresh, hugely expensive, difficult to get into and not that far from something similar but more succesful. Aimed at 16-34 year olds, the channel is going to have lots of exciting new content like, ahem, This Life and They Think Its All Legover. Oh.
Media Guardian: Whats on BBC3 On the Hour news? Now, if that *was* Chris Morris...
"A cross between Thelma and Louise and Priscilla, Queen of the Desert" - okay, so which one is the bloke dressed up as a woman?
BBC4 - now, that sounds more like it...
New C-BBC channels - "The Rolling Newsround Network" - why not go the whole hog and let Kate take over BBC Parliament

THOSE BRIT AWARD NOMINATIONS IN FULL:
BEST BRITISH ALBUM
Coldplay ('Parachutes' )
Radiohead ('Kid A')
Robbie Williams ('Sing When You're Winning')
Craig David ('Born To Do It')
David Gray ('Lost Songs')

Setting the tone for a crap collection of nominations, I'd guess I'd have to plump for Kid A as the lesser of the evil, evil list - certainly giving Coldplay an award would only encourage another twelve months of grey-faced indie whine. And I'd like to hear Davina McCall or whoever say "Radiohead *could* have been with us tonight, but they're not, they're hiidng in a cupboard upstairs..."
Best guess: Robbie Williams, I'm afraid.

BEST BRITISH DANCE ACT
Moloko
Fatboy Slim
Craig David
Sonique
Artful Dodger

Moloko should pick this up, since Fatboy Bus' album was so slim (hahahahaha) it wasn't true. The likely winner, though, will be Craig David...

BEST BRITISH FEMALE SOLO ARTIST
Dido
Jamelia
Sade
PJ Harvey
Sonique

Dido? What the fuck for? All she did in the Uk last year was provide a single verse for a US artist's hit, and, erm, thats it. PJ Harvey gets the XR&R vote, but the Brit awards people will probably give Sade the award for services to Overcoming Heroin

BEST BRITISH GROUP
Moloko
Coldplay
Radiohead
Toploader
All Saints

Toploader? Surely some mistake. Moloko are probably just too quirky (read: good) to get the win they deserve, so put your money on All Saints. ("We're sorry they couldn't all be here tonight, but they can't stand the sight of each other...")


BEST BRITISH MALE
Badly Drawn Boy
Robbie Williams
Fatboy Slim
David Gray
Craig David

We fear it'll be Robbie, though it should be BDB...

BEST INTERNATIONAL FEMALE SOLO ARTIST
Pink
Kylie Minogue
Jill Scott
Madonna
Britney Spears

By any rating, its got to go to Britney, hasn't it? Hasn't it?

BEST INTERNATIONAL GROUP
Santana
Westlife
Savage Garden
U2
Corrs


I may well go and kill myself now. Its not often you can say "I hope its the Corrs" and mean it. I'm guessing Wetlife will get it though...

BEST INTERNATIONAL MALE SOLO ARTIST
Ricky Martin
Wyclef Jean
Eminem
Ronan Keating
Sisqo

Wyclef Jean is incredibly straight, isn't he? He likes women. Not boys. That wouldn't be like him at all, oh no, not at all... Eminem may lose votes because of him being, apparently, a gay-killing murderer - he locked his girlfriend up in a trunk and drove off a bridge, you know. He must have, because he said so. Ronan or Sisqo may carry it off...


BEST INTERNATIONAL NEWCOMER
Pink
Westlife
Jill Scott
Kelis
Lene Marlin

Pink? Lene Marlin? Didn't htey baggage carrousel their careers? "Hello... byeee..." Kelis *should* win, if there was any morality in the world, but chances are it'll be pisslife again...


BEST BRITISH NEWCOMER

POP
A1
Atomic Kitten
Lolly
Point Break
Richard Blackwood


Blackwood? Fuck off. How can a man who has such little talent, if police found it on him they wouldn't even bother to caution him, keep getting these accolades? Lolly? A1 have it in the bag, but Atomic Kitten are our choice...

INDIE
Coldplay
Toploader
Muse
Badly Drawn Boy
Death In Vegas


DEATH IN VEGAS, of course... Toploader aren't even indie, no matter how you shag their mothers, but will probably get the award to put on their mantlepeice, next to the latest Readers Digest and that model airplane they never got a chance to finish last year, what with it being so crazy...

R&B/URBAN
Craig David
DJ Luck & MC Neat
Sweet Female Attitude
Architechs
MJ Cole

Craig David will already be working on his acceptance speech here - the words "I shagged her up the bum on Thursday. Twice." will be included. Sweet Female Attitude *should* get it...


DANCE
Artful Dodger
Sonique
Shaft
Oxide & Neutrino
Chicane

Chicane? They worked with bloody Bryan Adams, for christ sake... Artful Dodger, maybe. or perhaps this'll be the one they give to Sonique...


BEST SOUNDTRACK
Little Voice
American Beauty
Billy Elliot
The Beach
The Virgin Suicides


The Virgin Suicides was the best Soundtrack - as in, worked best for the movie it accompanied - but the best album surely would have to be Little Voice? Dont you think?

GOOGLE HUH? You know those snatches of copy that Google serves up when it presents its excellent findings? Don't you love it when you get something apparently random, surreal and meaningless? Its like a whole new game. Googlette. You can play it by yourself, but its better when you share, baby:

I just got these:

... The estate of Michael Hutchence is believed to be worth ... Pulp's Jarvis Cocker interrupted
a Michael Jackson performance. ... body exhumed and an autopsy conducted. ...

... the moon by a variety of spacecraft of unknown origin. He would not ... surely, for Tory
leadership contender William Hague. [UK 10]**** From: Calb1701@aol ...

... covering the jet black material with its ... of Johnny's trousers. "Fuck! I'm gonna ... want
instead of cigarettes from now on ... knob just inside Johnny's gaping gob. I ...

The hours at work will just fly by now, until you get sacked to death.