It's easy to mock, but if it wasn't for the NME, who'd even think of giving Coldplay an award?

Or, the NME Brat awards (apparently sold to some lager company) - those nominations, in full.

BEST UK BAND SPONSORED BY VIRGIN MEGASTORES & MEGASTORES XPRESS
>The Libertines
>Oasis
>The Coral
>Radiohead
>The Cooper Temple Clause
>Coldplay
Interesting that all these bands are sponsored by Virgin, isn't it? No, really, we're killing ourselves. The nominations for the Coral, TCTC and the Libertines seem to have blown in from a different category - maybe Fopp is sponsoring an award for "best uk band not overcome with belief - supported by their team of advisors and PAs - that they actually can fly higher than a rainbow" and they should have been in there. Because its a mismatch, isn't it? We're guessing Coldplay will pick up the big one, being crowned as "Band who are perceived as being 'proper' by the sort of people who don't really like music of the Year"

BEST INTERNATIONAL BAND
>The Strokes
>Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
>The Vines
>The White Stripes
>The Hives
>Foo Fighters
See, this is more like what we>d imagine a NME list of nominations to look like - if they'd followed the same convention as the UK category, we'd have been choosing between The Strokes, the Foos, Dave Matthews Band and probably Midnight Oil. We're rooting for Meg and Jack, but we know that it's Dave Grohl's. He's already bought some duraglit.

BEST LIVE BAND SPONSORED BY 4MUSIC
>Muse
>The Datsuns
>The Vines
>The Polyphonic Spree
>Oasis
>The Hives
Nice to see the cash-strapped purse at Channel Four hasn't stopped it from lashing out on the sponsorship for this one. Money well spent, plugging a programme strand that nobody I have ever spoken to ever actually mentions. Still, it could have been worse - Best Live Band sponsored by attheraces would have sucked even more. Maybe E4 could look into using some of its incredibly expensive downtime to carry stuff from Channel 4's twenty-year music archive? Obviously, once that endless hairdressing salon thing has ended. Now, where were we? Oh, yes. Nominations. We're presuming that the inclusion of Oasis in this field is merely to set up some comedy moments for the awards evening - a band who spent most of the year either marching off stage, telling its audience to fuck off, being booed or not showing up at all doesn't really seem to be up to code, does it? And curious that the nme shortlists The Vines in the same issue it carries endless reports of just how shit the Vines live were (according to Australians). The Polys, then, should win this - each member could keep the prize on their shelf for two hours, forty five minutes before passing it on to the next.

BEST SOLO ARTIST
>The Streets
>Pink
>Avril Lavigne
>Ryan Adams
>Eminem
>Ms Dynamite
For some reason, while bands are segregated in a way the Archbishop of Canterbury would approve of - foreigners over there, brits over here - solo artists are all lumped together. We hope it's Pink, just to piss off the people who don't like her.

BEST NEW BAND SPONSORED BY CARLING
>The Coral
>The Vines
>Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
>The Libertines
>The Datsuns
>The Music
Oooh, it's so hard to choose - when was the last time you saw a list of Best New Bands and all of them had potential (other than the potential to make you wind up in court explaining why you had to take the axe onto that tour bus). Maybe they could all just share it?


BEST VIDEO SPONSORED BY MTV2
>>Fell In Love With A Girl> The White Stripes
>>No One Knows> Queens Of The Stone Age
>>The Scientist> Coldplay
>>Tribute> Tenacious D
>>Whatever Happened To My Rock 'n' Roll (Punk Song)> Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
>>You Know You're Right> Nirvana
And, again, the perplexing fascination with Tenacious D rears its ugly head. The video, if anything, was worse than the song alone - doing the video in a Karaoke Video booth is an old concept, put to far more inventive use by Sonic Youth; watching it, you'd be hard pressed to believe that Jack Black is actually meant to be an actor by way of his day job. The Nirvana inclusion is even more puzzling - sticking some old clips together with sellotape isn't that inspired an idea for dealing with a dead artist; it made the claymation Jackie Wilson doing Reet Petite look clever. Still frightening, but clever. For once, Coldplay really do deserve their nomination - not only because The Scientist was a great idea well executed, but also because anything that smashes Chris Martin through a sheet of glass is fine by us. But it's got to be Fell In Love. Like nothing else.

BEST ALBUM SPONSORED BY CARLING
>>Highly Evolved> The Vines
>> A Rush Of Blood To The Head> Coldplay
>>Heathen Chemistry> Oasis
>>The Coral> The Coral
>>Songs For The Deaf> Queens of The Stone Age
>>Original Pirate Material> The Streets
Hey, drink enough Carling and we're sure that Heathen Chemistry might start to sound like something other than a wanking contest between eunuchs. The Coral's album isn't really a coherent work; more career end compilation than an album proper. Coldplay will get it; the Streets deserve it.

BEST RADIO SHOW
>Chris Moyles, Radio 1
>The Breezeblock, Radio 1
>Gary Crowley, BBC Radio London
>Mark & Lard, Radio 1
>The Evening Session/Lamacq Live, Radio 1
>John Peel, Radio 1
Again, you fear for the sanity of people who'd actually sit down and nominate Chris Moyles for anything other than a long, slow, painful death. We know a lot of people listen to him, because he'>s "on in the office". Actually, he's on at the moment, isn't he? [Retunes]. Oh god. Oh god. Make it stop. [Retunes again]. Lamacq. Perhaps the BBC will then realise what they've done.


BEST TV SHOW
>Gonzo
>The Office
>I'm Alan Partridge
>Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights
>The Osbournes
>Jackass
Forget Zane Lowe, the really cute and nervous guy who was sitting in for him today on Gonzo deserves some sort of award. He's lovely. The Osbournes we're assuming was written in as an excuse to try and get Kelly "She's So Unusual" Osbourne to turn up. The not-actually-quite-as-good-as-people-said Phoenix Nights will win this.

BEST SINGLE
>>Get Free> The Vines
>>All My Life> Foo Fighters
>>No One Knows> Queens Of The Stone Age
>>There Goes The Fear> Doves
>>The Scientist> Coldplay
>>Envy> Ash
Of the ones on offer, Envy should win. Maybe Get Free could deserve it. The Doves would be nice to see. But it won't be, will it?

BEST ALBUM VOTED BY NME
>>A Rush Of Blood To The Head> Coldplay
BEST SINGLE VOTED BY NME
>>There Goes The Fear> Doves
We're not sure why they give separate awards for this, unless it's to underline that the other awards are voted for by the readers who, apparently, can't be trusted to get it right. These, then, must be seen as the House of Lords awards, selected by an appointments committee, to the other, Commoners, awards.


THE F*** ME! AWARD FOR INNOVATION VOTED BY NME
>The Neptunes
>The Streets
>Interpol
>Fischerspooner
>The White Stripes
>Panjabi MC
You'll know that we love the White Stripes as much as anyone, but we're not quite sure what's so innovative about them - faux incest? Fischerspooner's nomination must be for being the first act ever to bring together Pet Shop Boys style stage shows with totally valueless music. We scent that this whole award is merely barked up to allow Panjabi MC to get an award, so if you're disabled, say, or from another majority, you might like to try and beat Tatu to the "The candidate must demonstrate a commitment to the company's equal opportunities policy" prize for 2003.

PHILIP HALL HOT NEW BAND VOTED BY NME
>Jet
>Kings of Leon
>The Kills
>The Thrills
>Yeah Yeah Yeahs
>The Warlocks
Again, the duplication of categories is puzzling. They should give it to the yeah yeah yeahs, though. Any failiure to give a prize to karen o should be punished.

ARTIST OF THE YEAR VOTED BY NME
>Coldplay
>Oasis
>Pink
>Eminem
>Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
>The Vines
Are there really that many Pink fans in Kings Reach Tower? Presumably The Vines have blown it, and Eminem won't turn up. Oasis? No, Coldplay, again? "If we tell them they>re getting lots of prizes, Gwyneth might come with them. And she might wear a dress you can see her tits through again."

BEST FILM
>24 Hour Party People
>Minority Report
>Bowling For Columbine
>28 Days Later
>About A Boy
>Goldmember
Goldmember? You're 'avin a laugh, aintcha? Although, of course, not in any literal sense. Unless there's some sort of outstanding debt from the paper to Danny Boyle, Michael Moore should expect a call here.

MOST SEXY MAN
>Chris Martin
>Liam Gallagher
>Fab
>Craig Nicholls
>Dave Grohl
>Julian Casablancas
Julian is quite cute, we guess, but really, his little face doesn't say "sexy" does it? The closest we can get is slipping him five bucks to make himself scarce while we screw his brother. Dave Grohl also a curious appearance in a sexy man list - really, he just gives off that whole vibe where you'd feel unsettled doing it, like he'd be asking you to explain exactly why you're touching him there all the way through. Liam Gallagher - to be fair, he should be judged on his gormless, ugly, pre-prehensile face before it got smashed repeatedly by that Italian, as its a 2002 award. Fab we wouldn't piss on if he was on fire - and since his appearance suggests he sleeps next to the dumpster out the back of Cherry Tree in Runcorn, we wouldn't be surprised to find ourselves in a position where that course of action may become something we'd have to face one day. Chris Martin could, conceivably, triumph in a sexiest man competition, if he was up against Morph, Johnny Vegas and the shadow cabinet. But all considerations are dancing in the sand. Craig Nicholls. The man is so sexy, he could turn a Jeep gay.


MOST SEXY WOMAN
>Kylie
>Avril Lavigne
>Karen O
>Charlotte Hatherley
>Christina Aguilera
>Meg White
The trouble with Meg isn't so much that she's indie's Charlie Dimmock; not even that you find when she approaches you in a dream she keeps asking "Do you mind if my brother watches?" but that no matter how you try, it's impossible to think of shouting out "Meggggg" at the moment of orgasm. Kylie might be sexy, but there's always the risk that too enthusiastic a shag and all that skin scraped up at the back of her skull will come lose and you'll find yourself mid-screw with a baggy duvet cover. That Christina Aguilera is even here is just ridiculous - lots of stars find themselves the subject of sploosh websites, where fans post pictures of their heroes that they've recently wanked over. Christina is the only current recording artist we know of who has an Official Sploosh site. Avril Lavigne may look like Jennifer Aniston, but has the charisma of Kelsey Grammer. We can't choose between Karen O and Charlotte. Actually, that's not true. We just wanted to take a little longer over it. Karen O has the poise - she's sexy and knows it. But Charlotte is a lot more innocent-looking. And that's always going to be the clincher.


VILLAIN OF THE YEAR
>Osama bin Laden
>Robbie Williams
>George W Bush
>Simon Cowell
>Pete Waterman
>Tony Blair
Bit harsh on Osama Bin Laden, isn't it; all he did in 2002 was to stick out a couple of poorly thought out recordings. Although you could say the same about Robbie Williams. It's hard to believe that any NME reader could really get so worked up about Cowell/Waterman - ooh, they were rude to the Cheeky Girls, lash them. Probably choosing Bush would lead to the paper being banned in the US, so Blair it is, then.

HERO OF THE YEAR
>Liam Gallagher
>Dave Grohl
>Chris Martin
>Craig Nicholls
>Graham Coxon
>Ozzy Osbourne
Right - so, in order then, the achievements of the NME heroes are:
- getting the shit beaten out of them in a nightclub and not quite making it to the end of any gig
- managing to go a year without endorsing the dangerous crap that HIV isn't connected to Aids
- having polite sex with Gwyneth Paltrow
- managing to stop the mantits
- being sacked by his bandmates and trying to spin it into leaving in disgust
- squandering the last of any respect he may have had as an artist to become a sweary pantomime dame
How does one choose?

BEST LIVE VENUE
>Brixton Academy
>London Astoria
>Glasgow Barrowlands
>Shepherd's Bush Empire
>Nottingham Rock City
>Birmingham Academy
It>s usualy impossible for a non-London venue to win this, sadly. And the two Academys should be instantly disqualified for having sold their name for a mess of potage (Carling? Carlsberg?) The Astoria actually deserve it - and its not often we>re nice about the Mean Fiddler group - for staring down the even more satanic Westminster City Council and their apparent bid to make London the least fun place to be on the planet.

BEST HAIRCUT
>Liam Gallagher
>Didz
>Craig Nicholls
>Dave Grohl
>Fab
>Jack White
This is a shit and pointless category that has had no value since the end of the New Romantic era. It's only a step on from having a "Dressed Most Like Someone In Greek National Dress" round.

BEST DRESSED
>The Hives
>Julian Casablancas
>Jack White
>Liam Gallagher
>Taylor Hawkins
>The Polyphonic Spree
The Polyphonic Spree wear sheets, for crying out loud. And Julian Casablancas looks like a boy starting work experience at the Bradford and Bingley. "Mam said jeans'd be okay providing they were ironed." Still, compared with Liam - appearing in tonight's Life of Mammals foraging for clothes in black sacks left outside Banardo's - he's quite the snizzy dresser. Jack White at least has his own furrow.

BEST WEBSITE
>NME
>Ash Unofficial
>Oasis
>Foo Fighters
>BRMC
>Popbitch
*clears throat* No, really, we couldn't care less. No, that's fine. Seriously, its funny to watch Popbitch trying not to look excited about the nomination, isn't it, like an older brother at a kid's party struggling with his inner desire to join in the game of musical chairs. We can't help wondering why the nme is so immodest as to even allow its name to go forward here, by the way. The thing is, nme.com is quite good, but its really crappily built; even with broadband it takes ages to download; the floaty menu boxes are shite; it throws up too many pop-up windows; and the news ticker thingy just seems designed to make things hang even further. It's morally wrong to vote for Oasis' website here, of course, as let's not forget the bully boy tactics they used to shut down their own fan's sites not so long back. Ash Unofficial? It'll have pictures of Rick and Charlotte; how could it fail?

WORST ALBUM
>Robbie Williams -'Escapology'
>Gareth Gates - 'What My Heart Wants To Say'
>The Streets - 'Original Pirate Material'
>The Vines - 'Highly Evolved'
>Westlife - 'Unbreakable'
>Coldplay - 'A Rush Of Blood To The Head'
What, no Will Young? It may well go to Coldplay. But Westlife are evil, and so lets hope for their victory here.

WORST SINGLE
>Las Ketchup - 'The Ketchup Song'
>The Cheeky Girls - 'Cheeky Song (Touch My Bum)'
>Will Young and Gareth Gates - 'The Long And Winding Road'
>Nickelback - 'How You Remind Me'
>Robbie Williams - 'Feel'
>Blazin Squad - 'Crossroads'
To suggest that the ketchup song is bad is misplaced - it never really set out to be anything other than a backdrop to summer drinking in the first place. If an award was being offered for Most Pointless Purchase, that would make a bit more sense. Likewise, the Cheeky Girls. It'd be like mocking Brighton and Hove Albion for being a bit shit at football - they'd counter that its not their fault they found themselves playing above their natural level. Williams is shit, but the git would probably turn up to pick the award up thinking it was being clever. Really, Nickelback need this award. You know that it'll make Chad cry knowing that his heartfelt grunting was the subject of eye rolling and tittering.

WORST BAND
>S Club Juniors
>Westlife
>Stereophonics
>Nickelback
>Atomic Kitten
>Blue
Let's just not bother with even treating the banged-together acts as bands - it's like Egon Ronay considering a Happy Meal - which means that its between the 'Phonics and 'back. And since the Stereophonics should be slowly washing up, limb by limb, on beaches along the North Sea Coast - don't worry, we got Arts Council funding - the prize belongs with Nickelback.

WORST HAIRCUT
>Gareth Gates
>Kelly Osbourne
>Kelly Jones
>Jack Osbourne
>Pink
>Chad Kroeger
Uh? Which Pink haircut? Sorry, I almost seemed interested, didn't I?

WORST DRESSED
>Gareth Gates
>Christina Aguilera
>Mike Skinner
>Kelly Osbourne
>Robbie Williams
>Robert Harvey
Christina Aguilera surely should be disqualified for failing on the "dressed" part of the qualification. And although we don't think much of Osbourne, we do always think she's nicely turned out and wouldn't want to use this merely as an excuse to bash the talentless twatbourine unfairly. Mike Skinner? Williams? We really can't be arsed since there's no box for Fischerspooner.

EVENT
>Ozzfest
>Oasis at Finsbury Park
>Glastonbury
>Carling reading/Leeds Festival
>T In The Park
>V2002
How can you vote for Reading *and* Leeds at the same time? Surely not possible. And Oasis in a park? Hmmm. Oh, Glastonbury. That'll do. Nobody'll be sober by the time they get to this one anyway.